While the Wife is Away

John Perkins walked slowly toward his apartment. He had just finished a hard day's work at the office, and he knew precisely what would happen when he reached home. After all, he said to himself, there are no surprises awaiting a man who has been married two years and lives in a tiny New York apartment. He knew that his wife Katy would meet him at the door with a kiss flavored with lipstick and candy. He would take off his coat, sit in his favorite chair, and read the evening newspaper. After dinner, which would consist of the usual meat, two vegetables, and fruit dessert, Katy would show him the clothes that she was mending. At half past seven they would spread newspaper over the furniture in order to catch the pieces of plaster that fell from the ceiling when the fat man in the apartment above them began to take his exercises. Exactly at eight, the couple in an apartment below them would begin to argue loudly. Then somebody in the house across the street would begin to play a musical instrument. Something would go wrong wih heater. A friend of his wife's who owned a little dog would come in for a moment before taking her evening stroll. And the whole evening routine of the apartment house would be the same always.

John Perkins knew that these things would happen. And he knew that at a quarter past eight he would reach for his hat, and his wife would ask, "Now where are you going, John Perkins?"

"I think I'll go to McCloskey's Poolroom for a little while", he would answer. "I want to play a few games of pool with the fellows."

Lately this has been John Perkins' habit. At ten or eleven he would return. Sometimes Katy would be asleep when he came in; sometimes she would wait for him, ready to express her opinion, which was always unfavorable, of his nightly habits.

That night, on his arrival, John Perkins found everything different. Katy was not there to greet him with her candy flavored kiss. The three small rooms of the apartment seemed to be in complete disorder. All of Katy's clothes lay in confusion - shoes in the middle of the floor, and clothes, powder box, mirror, hairbrush, and combs piles on the bureau and chairs; this was not the way the apartment usually looked. Katy was exeptionally neat. With a sinking heart, John began to realize that something serious had happened.

Lying on the dining room table was a piece of paper, John picked it up quickly. It was a note from his wife:

Dear John,

I just received a telegram saying that my mother is
very sick. I am going to take the 4:30 train. My brother is going to meet me at
the station. There is some cold meat in the refrigerator. Pay the milkman fifty
cents. And don't forget to write the gas company about the meter. Your good
socks are in the top drawer of the bureau. I'll write tomorrow.

Hastily,

Katy

John and Katy had never been separated during their two years of married life. John read the note over and over again. Here was the first break in a routine that had never deviated, and it left him feeling very confused.

On the back of a chair the red apron, which she always wore while preparing his meals, hung empty and formless. Her weekday clothes had been thrown here and there in her haste. A little paper bag of her favorite candy lay on the floor, and near it was the daily paper. Everything in the room suggested a loss of something close to him. John Perkins stood among these things with a queer feeling of loneliness in his heart.

He began to straighten the room as much as he could. When he touched Katy's clothes, a feeling of helplessness went through him. He had never thought how life would be without Katy. She had become so thoroughly a part of his existence that she was like the air he breathed - neccessary but scarcely noticed. Now, without warning, she was gone, as completely absent as if she had never existed. Of course, her absence would only be for a few days, or a week or two at the most, but it seemed to him as if death has visited his secure and uneventful home.

John took the cold meat from the refrigerator, made coffee, and sat down to a lonely meal. As he ate he thought about the many times Katy had served him at that dining room table. Now his home as wrecked. His mother-in-law had upset the whole household routine. After dinner he sat near the window and thought about Katy.

He didnot want to smoke. Outside, people were going by, and the noises from the street attracted his attention. Suddenly an idea occurred to him. Why shouldn't he go out? After all, he was free - as free as any gay bachelor. He could wander through the city all night long if he wished to do so; there would be no Katy waiting for him when he came home. He could play pool at McCloskey's with his friends until dawn if he wanted to. Katy was gone.

As John Perkins sat there in his tiny living room, he began to understand why he felt so sad. He knew that Katy was necessary to his happiness. His love for her had been dulled by the routine of married life, and now he as shaken by the loss of her presence. It was like the old saying, "One never misses the water until the well is dry."

"I'm a fool", thought John Perkins. "I've been mistreating Katy. Every night I play pool and have fun with the fellows instead of staying at home with her. The poor girl is here all along all evening with nothing to amuse her. I'm the worst kind of husband. When Katy comes home, I'll take her out and let her have some amusement. And I'll stop going to McCloskey's right now."

Yes, at that moment there were places he could go to and have a good time. At McCloskey's the fellows were knocking the balls around on the pool tables. But nothing could persuade him to join them. He could think of nothing but Katy. Katy's blue dress was laying on the back of a chair near his right hand. Midway on the sleeves there were tiny little wrinkles made by the movement of her arms while working for his comfort and pleasure. Tears - yes, tears - came into John Perkins' eyes. When she returned, everything would be different. He was not going to neglect her any more.

At that moment the door opened. Katy walked in carrying a little handbag. John stared at her stupidly.

"I'm certainly glad to get home", she said. "Mother wasn't very sick. My brother met me at the station. He said she got better soon after they telegraphed me. So I took the next train back. I'd love to have a cup of coffee."

As she said this, everything returned to normal. The routine again !

John Perkins looked at the clock. It was 8:15. He reached for his hat and walked to the door.

"Now where are you going, John Perkins?" asked Katy.

"I think I'll go to McCloskey's Poolroom for a little while," said John. " I want to play a few games of pool with the fellows."

Most interesting Stories

These are most interesting short stories in the world.

1. While the wife is Away.
   
2. The Last Leaf: Part one Part two
   
3. One Thousand Dollars: Part one Part two
   
4. The Christmas Gift
   
5. After Twenty Years
   
6. Jimmy Valatine: Part one Part two
   
7. Soapy and The Cops: Part one Part two
   
8. A Bond of Sympathy

It's A Television Set

Elizabeth was a very pretty girl, and her parents were rich. Quite a lot of the young men in the town wanted to marry her, but she was not satisfied with any of them

One evening, one of the handsomest of the young men who wanted to marry Elizabeth came to visit her in her parents' house and asked her to become his wife. She answered,"No, William, I won't marry you. I want to marry a man who is famous, who can play music, sing and dance very well, who can tell really interesting stories, who does not smoke or drink, who stays at home in the evenings, and who stops talking when I'm tired of listening."

The young man got up, took his coat and went to the door, but before he left the house, he turned and said to Elizabeth," It isn't a man you're looking for. It's a Television Set".

Brushing and Blossing

Kevin had just finished dessert. It was a piece of dark chocolate, washed down with a glass of cold milk. Delicious! He rinsed his mouth out with a glass of water, and then spit into the kitchen sink.
He sat down at the dining room table and grabbed some floss. He carefully flossed his top teeth and then his bottom teeth. Flossing was a chore. The floss almost always got stuck between two teeth in the upper back and two teeth in the lower front. Finally finished, he threw the frayed floss into the trash.
He went into the bathroom and grabbed his electric toothbrush. TV ads always show people putting toothpaste onto the entire length of the brush. Of course, that was to get them to use up the tube faster so they’d have to buy another tube sooner. Kevin put just a little toothpaste onto the brush. He brushed for about a minute.
He spent another 30 seconds brushing his tongue. Then he spit out all the toothpaste, and gargled and spit again.
Brushing and flossing are such a pain, he thought. If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they invent something easier and faster than toothpaste and dental floss?

Your Country Thanks You

Jordan Wolf signed up for the Army as soon as he graduated from high school. After Jordan took various aptitude tests, the recruiter said that Jordan scored high in electronics. He would receive a stateside assignment in a computer lab, where he would learn to program software and repair electronic hardware. Also, Jordan would receive a $10,000 cash bonus.

He attended eight weeks of basic training at Ft. Benning, Georgia. While in training, he talked to his new buddies about how he was going to be in a computer lab stateside after basic training. His buddies were amazed, as all of them were going straight to Iraq. They all graduated from basic training on a Friday and spent the weekend getting drunk in nearby Columbus.

On Monday morning, the drill sergeant told all of them that their next duty station was Iraq. Jordan told the drill sergeant that there must have been a mistake. “The Army doesn’t make mistakes, soldier!” the drill sergeant barked at him. “Now pack your gear. You’ll be in Baghdad in two days.”

Jordan wrote letters to his congressman and senators while he was in Iraq. He couldn’t believe that the recruiter had lied to him like that. Meanwhile, for almost 18 months he went out on daily missions looking for the bad guys. One day, his vehicle got blown up by a handmade bomb. He got shrapnel in his left eye and was permanently blinded. The Army gave him a glass eye, declared him unfit for duty, and discharged him.

After enrolling at Troy University, Jordan got a letter from the Pentagon. Maybe it's a commendation, he thought as he opened the letter. Since he hadn’t completed his three-year commitment to the Army, the letter said, he must return all of his cash bonus, plus interest.

The Amazons and The Warrior-women

Amazons were the warrior-women in Greek myths. In the stories, they were so fierce that even the Sun was afraid and refused to visit them so their country was dark and icy. They broke the legs of all male babies, to cripple them; only females were allowed to grow up to become warriors. The Amazons cut off their right breasts to make it easier to throw spears and shoot with bows and arrows. They ate raw meat and dark mares's milk and fresh, warm blood.

To the ancient Greeks, Amazons existed only in stories. They were unreal as monsters, giants or witches.

But 2,000 years later, when the first European explorers landed in South America, they faced female and male warriors armed with arrows, spears and blowpipes. The warriors never showed themselves, vanishing into the forests before they could be caught. The Europeans thought that their enemies must be descendants of the ancient Amazons, so they called the area Amazonia, and its swirling waterway the River Amazon.

The Five Word "AND" sentence

Can you think of a sentence in which the word "and" appears five times, without any words in between? There is one at the end of this story.

There was once an inn which was called " The Horse and Cart". It had a sign outside it which has a picture of a horse and a cart on it, but the sign was getting very old, so the owner of the inn decided to have a new one made. He went to a painter and asked him him to paint one, and to write " The Horse and Cart" on it in large letters.

A few days later, he went to see how the painter was getting on. He liked the picture of the horse and the cart very much, but he did not like the writing at all. He said to the painter, "No, no! There's too much space between HORSE and AND and AND and Cart!"

Jokes: More Revolting Racial and Ethnic Jokes III

A man walked into the bar. As he waited for his drink, he notices a gorgeous young Indian girl sipping a soft drink at the other end of the bar. He told the bartender to give her a real drink. The bartender replied,"I can't. The C.P would be one my ass."

"What's the C.P.?"

"City Police."

The man finishes his drink and ordered another. Again, he asked the bartender to give the Indian girl a real drink, but this time the bartender said, " I can't. The S.P. would shut me down."

"What's the S.P.?"

"State Police."

Just then the Indian girl got up and walked out of the bar. The man hurried out after her. An hour later, he staggered back into the bar, his clothes covered with blood, his nose broken.

"The F.B.I. got me." the man moaned.

"What do you mean, The F.B.I.?" the bartender aksed.

" A Fucking Big Indian!"

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After temple one evening, two movie producers went to the men's room together. While standing next to each other at the urinal, one asked the other if he knew old Rabbi Rabinowitz.

"why, yes," the other replied.

" I thought so. He cuts at an angle and you're peeing on my shoe."

Jokes: More Revolting Racial and Ethnic Jokes II

What's an Irish seven course dinner?

A boiled potato and six pack.

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Two Polish hunters managed to kill a deer. They started to drag it back their truck by the hind legs, but the antlers continually got stuck in the weeds, making their job very difficult. It took them hours to get within a couple hundred yards of road, where they met a third hunter.
"Hey," the third hunter said. "it's a lot easier if you drag the deer by the antlers."
The two Polacks took advice. a while late, one said to the other, "That hunter was right. This is a lot easier."
"Yeah," replied his partner. "But now we're over a mile from the truck!"

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A barnstorming pilot was touring Scotland selling rides in his open cockpit bi-plane. One day, he got into an argument with a stubborn Scot who insided that he be allowed to bring his wife along at no extra charge. Finally, the pilot said, "I'll take you up for the price of one if you promise not to utter a sound. One peep, and the price is double."
The pilot and the couple climbed aboard. The pilot executed some death - defying stunts but Scot and his wife remained totally silent. Finally, the pilot gave up and landed the plane.
"I don't believe it," the pilot called back as he taxied to a halt. "You're a very brave man."
"Thank ye," the Scot replied. "But I can't deny there was one time when you almost had me?"
"When was that?"
"When my wife fell out?"

Jokes: More Revolting Racial and Ethnic Jokes I

What did the Mexican man and the Polish girl call their baby?

Retardo.

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What's difference between Scotch tape and Mexican tape?

Mexican tape doesn't have a sticky side.

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What is the name of Puerto Rican version of "Roots?"

"Weeds."

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Why wasn't Christ born in Puerto Rico?

They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

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Why are there so few blacks in Alaska?

Because the growing season is too short for watermelon.

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How can you stop blacks from jumping up and down on the bed?

Put Velco on the ceiling.

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How do you keep five black guys from raping a white woman?

Throw them a basketball.

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A moment or two after a highway accident, an old Jewish man came up to a woman lying by the roadside. " Have the police come yet?" The man asked.
"No," the woman moaned.
"Has the ambulance been here yet?"
"No," the injured woman repeated.
"How about the insurance company?"
"No,"
"Listen" the Jewish man said, bending down. "Do you mind if I lay down next to you?"