Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Last Leaf - Part One

In New York city there is a district west of Washington Square called Greanwich Village. Its narrow streets and eighteenth-century buildings give it a great deal of charm. Not many years ago, artists were attracted there because of the low rents. Thus the interesting old Village became a popular art "colony".

At the top of a three story brick house, Sue and Johnsy had their studio. Sue and Johnsy's real name was Joanna. She had come from California to live in New York. The other girl was from Maine. They had met at a small restaurant on Eighth Street. When they found out that theire tastes in art, food, and dress were very much alike, they decided to share a studio.

That was in May. In November, a cold, silent stranger, whom the doctors called Mr. Pneumonia, moved quietly about the colony, touching one here and one there with his icy fingers.

Mr. Pneumonia was not a polite old gentleman. Little Johnsy, her blood thinned by the warm California weather, was no match for that red-faced, short-breathed, old fellow. And so he touched Johnsy with his icy fingers, too; and she lay ill, scarcely moving, on her old iron bed, looking through the small window at the blank side of the brick house next door.

One day when the busy doctor came to examine Johnsy, he asked Sue to follow him into hall. "She has about one chance in ten," he said as he shook down his thermometer. "And that chance depends on whether she wants to live. This patient has made up her mind that she's not going to get well. Is there anything on her mind?"

"Well, she has always siad that she wanted to paint the Bay of Naples some day," answered Sue.

"Paint? Nonsense ! Is there anything on her mind worth thinking about twice - a man, for instance?"

"A man?" Sue exclaimed in surprise. "No, doctor, I'm sure she's not worrying about a man."

"Well, her problem is just weakness then, caused by the fever. I'll do everything in my power to save her. But when a patient loses hope of getting well, the power of medicine is reduced by at least fifty percent. If she starts asking questions about the new winter fashion, I can promise you a one-in-five chance for her in stead of one-in-ten."

After the doctor has gone, Sue went into the studio and sobbed. Then forcing her herself to smile, she entered Johnsy's room with her drawing materials, whistling a popular tune.

Johnsy lay very still under the bedclothes, with her face toward the window, Sue stopped whistling, thinking Johnsy was asleep. She put down the drawing board and began to make some pen and ink sketches to illustrate a magazine story. As Sue was drawing figures on the board, she heard a low sound which was repeated several times, she went quickly to the bedside.

Johnsy's eyes were wide open. She was looking out of the window and counting but counting backward.

"Twelve," she said, and a little later, "eleven"; and then "ten" and then "nine"; and then "eight " and "seven".

Sue looked curiously out the window. What was there to count? There was only a bare dull yard and the blank side of the brick house a few feet away. An old vine, decayed at the root, climbed halfway up the brick wall. The cold autumn wind had blown the leaves from the vine until its branches were almost bare.

"What is it, dear? Tell me !"

"Six," said Johnsy, almost whisper. "They're falling faster now. Three days ago there were almost hundred. It made my head ache to count them. But now it's easy. There goes another one. There are only five left now."
"Five what, dear? Please tell me."
"Leaves" - on the vine. When the last one falls. I must go, too. I've known that for three days. Didn't the doctor tell you?"
"Oh, I've never heard such nonsense," said Sue. "What have those old leaves to do with your getting well? And you used to love that old vine so much. Don't be silly. Why, the doctor told me this morning that your chances of getting well soon are ten-to-one! That's almost as good a chance as we have in New York when we ride on a streetcar or walk past a building under construction. Please try to eat some soup now. Let me go back to my drawing, so I can earn some money to buy food and wine for us."
"You needn't buy any more wine," said Johnsy as she continued to stare at the bare vine. "There goes another leaf. No, I don't want any soup. There are just four leaves left. I want to see the last one fall before it gets dark. Then I'll go, too."
"Johnsy, dear,' said Sue, bending over her, "will you promise to keep your eyes closed and not look out the window until I've finished my work? I must deliver these drawings tomorrow. I need the light; otherwise I would pull down the window shade."
"Can't you work in the other room?" Johnsy asked coldly.
"I'd rather be here with you," replied Sue. "Besides, I don't want you to keep looking at those silly old leaves."
"Tell me as soon as you have finished," said Johnsy, closing her eyes and lying white and still as a statue. "I want to see the last one fall. I'm tired of thinking. I want to go just like one of those poor, tired leaves."
"Try to sleep now," said Sue. "I must go downstairs to ask Behrman to be a model for my next drawing. I won't be gone a minute. Don't try to move until I get back."
To be continued

Monday, June 30, 2008

While the Wife is Away

John Perkins walked slowly toward his apartment. He had just finished a hard day's work at the office, and he knew precisely what would happen when he reached home. After all, he said to himself, there are no surprises awaiting a man who has been married two years and lives in a tiny New York apartment. He knew that his wife Katy would meet him at the door with a kiss flavored with lipstick and candy. He would take off his coat, sit in his favorite chair, and read the evening newspaper. After dinner, which would consist of the usual meat, two vegetables, and fruit dessert, Katy would show him the clothes that she was mending. At half past seven they would spread newspaper over the furniture in order to catch the pieces of plaster that fell from the ceiling when the fat man in the apartment above them began to take his exercises. Exactly at eight, the couple in an apartment below them would begin to argue loudly. Then somebody in the house across the street would begin to play a musical instrument. Something would go wrong wih heater. A friend of his wife's who owned a little dog would come in for a moment before taking her evening stroll. And the whole evening routine of the apartment house would be the same always.
John Perkins knew that these things would happen. And he knew that at a quarter past eight he would reach for his hat, and his wife would ask, "Now where are you going, John Perkins?"
"I think I'll go to McCloskey's Poolroom for a little while", he would answer. "I want to play a few games of pool with the fellows."
Lately this has been John Perkins' habit. At ten or eleven he would return. Sometimes Katy would be asleep when he came in; sometimes she would wait for him, ready to express her opinion, which was always unfavorable, of his nightly habits.
That night, on his arrival, John Perkins found everything different. Katy was not there to greet him with her candy flavored kiss. The three small rooms of the apartment seemed to be in complete disorder. All of Katy's clothes lay in confusion - shoes in the middle of the floor, and clothes, powder box, mirror, hairbrush, and combs piles on the bureau and chairs; this was not the way the apartment usually looked. Katy was exeptionally neat. With a sinking heart, John began to realize that something serious had happened.
Lying on the dining room table was a piece of paper, John picked it up quickly. It was a note from his wife:
Dear John,
I just received a telegram saying that my mother is
very sick. I am going to take the 4:30 train. My brother is going to meet me at
the station. There is some cold meat in the refrigerator. Pay the milkman fifty
cents. And don't forget to write the gas company about the meter. Your good
socks are in the top drawer of the bureau. I'll write tomorrow.
Hastily,
Katy
John and Katy had never been separated during their two years of married life. John read the note over and over again. Here was the first break in a routine that had never deviated, and it left him feeling very confused.
On the back of a chair the red apron, which she always wore while preparing his meals, hung empty and formless. Her weekday clothes had been thrown here and there in her haste. A little paper bag of her favorite candy lay on the floor, and near it was the daily paper. Everything in the room suggested a loss of something close to him. John Perkins stood among these things with a queer feeling of loneliness in his heart.
He began to straighten the room as much as he could. When he touched Katy's clothes, a feeling of helplessness went through him. He had never thought how life would be without Katy. She had become so thoroughly a part of his existence that she was like the air he breathed - neccessary but scarcely noticed. Now, without warning, she was gone, as completely absent as if she had never existed. Of course, her absence would only be for a few days, or a week or two at the most, but it seemed to him as if death has visited his secure and uneventful home.
John took the cold meat from the refrigerator, made coffee, and sat down to a lonely meal. As he ate he thought about the many times Katy had served him at that dining room table. Now his home as wrecked. His mother-in-law had upset the whole household routine. After dinner he sat near the window and thought about Katy.
He didnot want to smoke. Outside, people were going by, and the noises from the street attracted his attention. Suddenly an idea occurred to him. Why shouldn't he go out? After all, he was free - as free as any gay bachelor. He could wander through the city all night long if he wished to do so; there would be no Katy waiting for him when he came home. He could play pool at McCloskey's with his friends until dawn if he wanted to. Katy was gone.
As John Perkins sat there in his tiny living room, he began to understand why he felt so sad. He knew that Katy was necessary to his happiness. His love for her had been dulled by the routine of married life, and now he as shaken by the loss of her presence. It was like the old saying, "One never misses the water until the well is dry."
"I'm a fool", thought John Perkins. "I've been mistreating Katy. Every night I play pool and have fun with the fellows instead of staying at home with her. The poor girl is here all along all evening with nothing to amuse her. I'm the worst kind of husband. When Katy comes home, I'll take her out and let her have some amusement. And I'll stop going to McCloskey's right now."
Yes, at that moment there were places he could go to and have a good time. At McCloskey's the fellows were knocking the balls around on the pool tables. But nothing could persuade him to join them. He could think of nothing but Katy. Katy's blue dress was laying on the back of a chair near his right hand. Midway on the sleeves there were tiny little wrinkles made by the movement of her arms while working for his comfort and pleasure. Tears - yes, tears - came into John Perkins' eyes. When she returned, everything would be different. He was not going to neglect her any more.
At that moment the door opened. Katy walked in carrying a little handbag. John stared at her stupidly.
"I'm certainly glad to get home", she said. "Mother wasn't very sick. My brother met me at the station. He said she got better soon after they telegraphed me. So I took the next train back. I'd love to have a cup of coffee."
As she said this, everything returned to normal. The routine again !
John Perkins looked at the clock. It was 8:15. He reached for his hat and walked to the door.
"Now where are you going, John Perkins?" asked Katy.
"I think I'll go to McCloskey's Poolroom for a little while," said John. " I want to play a few games of pool with the fellows."

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Most interesting Stories

These are most interesting short stories in the world.
  1. While the wife is Away.
  2. The Last Leaf: Part one Part two
  3. One Thousand Dollars: Part one Part two
  4. The Christmas Gift
  5. After Twenty Years
  6. Jimmy Valatine: Part one Part two
  7. Soapy and The Cops: Part one Part two
  8. A Bond of Sympathy

Saturday, June 14, 2008

It's A Television Set

Elizabeth was a very pretty girl, and her parents were rich. Quite a lot of the young men in the town wanted to marry her, but she was not satisfied with any of them
One evening, one of the handsomest of the young men who wanted to marry Elizabeth came to visit her in her parents' house and asked her to become his wife. She answered,"No, William, I won't marry you. I want to marry a man who is famous, who can play music, sing and dance very well, who can tell really interesting stories, who does not smoke or drink, who stays at home in the evenings, and who stops talking when I'm tired of listening."
The young man got up, took his coat and went to the door, but before he left the house, he turned and said to Elizabeth," It isn't a man you're looking for. It's a Television Set".

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Brushing and Blossing

Kevin had just finished dessert. It was a piece of dark chocolate, washed down with a glass of cold milk. Delicious! He rinsed his mouth out with a glass of water, and then spit into the kitchen sink.
He sat down at the dining room table and grabbed some floss. He carefully flossed his top teeth and then his bottom teeth. Flossing was a chore. The floss almost always got stuck between two teeth in the upper back and two teeth in the lower front. Finally finished, he threw the frayed floss into the trash.
He went into the bathroom and grabbed his electric toothbrush. TV ads always show people putting toothpaste onto the entire length of the brush. Of course, that was to get them to use up the tube faster so they’d have to buy another tube sooner. Kevin put just a little toothpaste onto the brush. He brushed for about a minute.
He spent another 30 seconds brushing his tongue. Then he spit out all the toothpaste, and gargled and spit again.
Brushing and flossing are such a pain, he thought. If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they invent something easier and faster than toothpaste and dental floss?

Your Country Thanks You

Jordan Wolf signed up for the Army as soon as he graduated from high school. After Jordan took various aptitude tests, the recruiter said that Jordan scored high in electronics. He would receive a stateside assignment in a computer lab, where he would learn to program software and repair electronic hardware. Also, Jordan would receive a $10,000 cash bonus.

He attended eight weeks of basic training at Ft. Benning, Georgia. While in training, he talked to his new buddies about how he was going to be in a computer lab stateside after basic training. His buddies were amazed, as all of them were going straight to Iraq. They all graduated from basic training on a Friday and spent the weekend getting drunk in nearby Columbus.

On Monday morning, the drill sergeant told all of them that their next duty station was Iraq. Jordan told the drill sergeant that there must have been a mistake. “The Army doesn’t make mistakes, soldier!” the drill sergeant barked at him. “Now pack your gear. You’ll be in Baghdad in two days.”

Jordan wrote letters to his congressman and senators while he was in Iraq. He couldn’t believe that the recruiter had lied to him like that. Meanwhile, for almost 18 months he went out on daily missions looking for the bad guys. One day, his vehicle got blown up by a handmade bomb. He got shrapnel in his left eye and was permanently blinded. The Army gave him a glass eye, declared him unfit for duty, and discharged him.

After enrolling at Troy University, Jordan got a letter from the Pentagon. Maybe it's a commendation, he thought as he opened the letter. Since he hadn’t completed his three-year commitment to the Army, the letter said, he must return all of his cash bonus, plus interest.

The Amazons and The Warrior-women

Amazons were the warrior-women in Greek myths. In the stories, they were so fierce that even the Sun was afraid and refused to visit them so their country was dark and icy. They broke the legs of all male babies, to cripple them; only females were allowed to grow up to become warriors. The Amazons cut off their right breasts to make it easier to throw spears and shoot with bows and arrows. They ate raw meat and dark mares's milk and fresh, warm blood.

To the ancient Greeks, Amazons existed only in stories. They were unreal as monsters, giants or witches.

But 2,000 years later, when the first European explorers landed in South America, they faced female and male warriors armed with arrows, spears and blowpipes. The warriors never showed themselves, vanishing into the forests before they could be caught. The Europeans thought that their enemies must be descendants of the ancient Amazons, so they called the area Amazonia, and its swirling waterway the River Amazon.

The Five Word "AND" sentence

Can you think of a sentence in which the word "and" appears five times, without any words in between? There is one at the end of this story.

There was once an inn which was called " The Horse and Cart". It had a sign outside it which has a picture of a horse and a cart on it, but the sign was getting very old, so the owner of the inn decided to have a new one made. He went to a painter and asked him him to paint one, and to write " The Horse and Cart" on it in large letters.
A few days later, he went to see how the painter was getting on. He liked the picture of the horse and the cart very much, but he did not like the writing at all. He said to the painter, "No, no! There's too much space between HORSE and AND and AND and Cart!"

Friday, June 6, 2008

Jokes: More Revolting Racial and Ethnic Jokes III

A man walked into the bar. As he waited for his drink, he notices a gorgeous young Indian girl sipping a soft drink at the other end of the bar. He told the bartender to give her a real drink. The bartender replied,"I can't. The C.P would be one my ass."
"What's the C.P.?"
"City Police."
The man finishes his drink and ordered another. Again, he asked the bartender to give the Indian girl a real drink, but this time the bartender said, " I can't. The S.P. would shut me down."
"What's the S.P.?"
"State Police."
Just then the Indian girl got up and walked out of the bar. The man hurried out after her. An hour later, he staggered back into the bar, his clothes covered with blood, his nose broken.
"The F.B.I. got me." the man moaned.
"What do you mean, The F.B.I.?" the bartender aksed.
" A Fucking Big Indian!"
________________________________
After temple one evening, two movie producers went to the men's room together. While standing next to each other at the urinal, one asked the other if he knew old Rabbi Rabinowitz.
"why, yes," the other replied.
" I thought so. He cuts at an angle and you're peeing on my shoe."

Jokes: More Revolting Racial and Ethnic Jokes II

What's an Irish seven course dinner?

A boiled potato and six pack.

______________________________________

Two Polish hunters managed to kill a deer. They started to drag it back their truck by the hind legs, but the antlers continually got stuck in the weeds, making their job very difficult. It took them hours to get within a couple hundred yards of road, where they met a third hunter.
"Hey," the third hunter said. "it's a lot easier if you drag the deer by the antlers."
The two Polacks took advice. a while late, one said to the other, "That hunter was right. This is a lot easier."
"Yeah," replied his partner. "But now we're over a mile from the truck!"

___________________________________

A barnstorming pilot was touring Scotland selling rides in his open cockpit bi-plane. One day, he got into an argument with a stubborn Scot who insided that he be allowed to bring his wife along at no extra charge. Finally, the pilot said, "I'll take you up for the price of one if you promise not to utter a sound. One peep, and the price is double."
The pilot and the couple climbed aboard. The pilot executed some death - defying stunts but Scot and his wife remained totally silent. Finally, the pilot gave up and landed the plane.
"I don't believe it," the pilot called back as he taxied to a halt. "You're a very brave man."
"Thank ye," the Scot replied. "But I can't deny there was one time when you almost had me?"
"When was that?"
"When my wife fell out?"

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Jokes: More Revolting Racial and Ethnic Jokes I

What did the Mexican man and the Polish girl call their baby?

Retardo.

______________________

What's difference between Scotch tape and Mexican tape?

Mexican tape doesn't have a sticky side.

______________________________

What is the name of Puerto Rican version of "Roots?"

"Weeds."

___________________________

Why wasn't Christ born in Puerto Rico?

They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

___________________

Why are there so few blacks in Alaska?

Because the growing season is too short for watermelon.

__________________

How can you stop blacks from jumping up and down on the bed?

Put Velco on the ceiling.

________________________

How do you keep five black guys from raping a white woman?

Throw them a basketball.

___________________________

A moment or two after a highway accident, an old Jewish man came up to a woman lying by the roadside. " Have the police come yet?" The man asked.
"No," the woman moaned.
"Has the ambulance been here yet?"
"No," the injured woman repeated.
"How about the insurance company?"
"No,"
"Listen" the Jewish man said, bending down. "Do you mind if I lay down next to you?"

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

A Clever Villager

Some villagers were going to celebrate an important wine festival in a few days' time, so they borrowed a huge barrel from the nearest town, put it in the village square and determined that each of them should empty a bottle of the best wine he had into it, so that there should be plenty at the feast.
One of the villagers thought he would be very clever. 'If I pour a bottle of water in, instead of wine, no one will notice it,' he said to himself, 'because there will be so much excellent wine in the barrel that the water will be lost in it.'
The night of the feast arrived. Everybody gathered in the village square with jugs and their glasses for the wine. The tap on the barrel was opened - but what came out was pure water. Everyone in the village had had the same idea.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Some Humorous Stories I

A Lion Tamer
A novice lion tamer was being interviewed." I understand your father was also a lion tamer," The reporter queried.
"Yes, he was," the man replied.
"Do you actually put your head in the lion's mouth?"
"I did it only once," said the new tamer, "to look for Dad."
Reservation
At the Lake Hotel where I worked downtown Chicago, the official maxim was " Give the customers what they want." Our ability to meet that goal was tested one day when a large tour group overwhelmed the registration area.
One impatient man bullied his way through the crowd, banged his fist on the front desk and demanded,"I want a room that faces the ocean!"
In a voice that all could hear, the young clerk answered, "Certainly, sir. Atlantic or Pacific?"
Their Card
My husband and I maintain both joint and separate credit card accounts. As I fumbled in my purse one day looking for the right card to pay for some purchases, I explained to the salesclerk that I had "my" card, "his" card and "our" card.
"That's okay," he replied, "As long as you don't have "their" card."
Right Row
"I beg your pardon," said the man returning to his seat in the theater, "but did I step on your toes when I left?"
"You certainly did!", answered the annoyed patron.
The man turned to his companion."Honey, come on," he said, "we're in the right row!"

The Motorcycle Rider

Jay was born to ride. Just after learning to walk, he got his first tricycle. A year later he was on a bicycle with training wheels. At the age of five he was a skilled bicyclist, able to jump off ramps and fly through the air. His father made sure he did everything safely. Jay wore a helmet, a chest pad, elbow pads, and knee pads. He fell a lot, but he was never hurt badly.
He got his first motorcycle when he was seven. His father put the motorcycle in the back of his pickup and drove Jay out to the desert almost every weekend. Jay became a skilled rider. He entered motocross races all over the county. By the time he was 15, he had won 30 races. His future looked bright.
When he was 17, Jay took his girlfriend out for a ride on his motorcycle. A truck ran a red light, and Jay and his girlfriend crashed into the side of the truck. Jay went into the hospital for three months. His girlfriend died immediately.
Jay didn’t ride a motorcycle again for 10 years. Then one weekend he bought a used Kawasaki. He took it out for a test run at dusk. It felt good to ride again. He got it up to 110 miles an hour on the local freeways. A highway patrol car chased him for about ten minutes, but he finally lost it in the freeway traffic and the dark. When he got home, he was excited. That was fun, he thought.

Shopping Carts Everywhere

Look at those damn shopping carts, Joe thought. Two of them were parked on his front lawn. Two more were parked behind his car in the driveway. His neighborhood had gone to hell. He lived half a mile from Foodco, a supermarket chain. Nobody should take a shopping cart half a mile from the supermarket. And no one with any respect for others should leave a shopping cart in a stranger's yard.
Shoppers should push the cart out to their car, and then leave it there. If they don't own a car, they should buy their own personal cart to transport their groceries home.
He called Foodco to tell them that four carts were on his property. They said they would be over as soon as they could. That meant about a week. Throughout his neighborhood, carts were scattered in various places, including the streets themselves. As if kids, pets, and potholes weren't enough, drivers now had to dodge shopping carts. Joe wondered how there could be any left in the supermarket. Foodco paid over $100 for each cart, so he thought they'd guard them better, Instead, they did nothing to secure the carts. They simply paid someone to drive around the neighborhood once or twice a week to pick up stranded carts.
Joe opened the yellow pages of his phone book. He was going to hire a contractor to build a fence around his lawn and a locking gate for his driveway. Enough was enough.
Vocabulary Learning:
Shopping cart: a kind of trolley; basket used to carry goods by customer
supermarket chain: a system of many supermarkets owned by the same company
neighborhood: surrounding area where you live

Friday, May 23, 2008

Young Boy Defends Sister

nine-year-old boy defended his sister from her angry ex-boyfriend yesterday. Woody Harrelson, 24, who had a house key, had hidden in the closet of the Shatner family’s home waiting for his ex-girlfriend Ethel, 23, to return. He attacked Ethel with a knife seconds after she arrived home. She was carrying their 11-month-old baby in her arms. Woody stabbed away, not caring if he injured his baby or not. Ethel, bleeding and screaming, ran into her bedroom and put the baby into the crib. Woody followed her into the bedroom.
Curt ran into the bedroom and jumped onto Woody’s back. From behind, he managed to jam his fingers into Woody’s eyes. Woody yelled and dropped the knife. As Woody stumbled around rubbing his eyes, Curt grabbed the knife and plunged it twice into Woody’s lower back. Woody ran out of the house. Curt held onto the knife in case Woody came back. Ethel called 911. The paramedics treated Ethel’s wounds and transported her to the hospital, where she is in stable condition. The baby, protected by its heavy clothing and a blanket, was unharmed. Woody has not been caught yet.
All hospitals in the area were alerted to watch for Woody, because Curt said that he “got him good.” In fact, said one doctor, Woody should get to a hospital as soon as possible. He might bleed to death if Curt actually punctured one of Woody’s kidneys. The paramedics and police commended little Curt for his bravery. He said that it was his responsibility to protect his sister, because “when Daddy’s not home, I’m the man of the family.”

Monday, March 31, 2008

Smart Student.

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.
Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look."Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

Recovering Thinker.

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jacks. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.
Have you joined Thinker's Anonymous yet?

Medical Problems

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible!
What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

Catch A Rabbit.

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.The FBI goes in.After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.The LAPD goes in.They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Cup Holder.

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

I Know This Lawyer.

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail within 3 minutes!"

Best Known Man In The World

There was a man named Sulio and Sulio knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Sulio got a new job, Sulio says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Sulio says "Yes I do!" so Sulio's boss says "Well prove it!" then Sulio says "Pick someone... and I know them!"
Well Sulio's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Sulio says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" then Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Sulio knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Sulio goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Sulio!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick somebody else!"
This time Sulio's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Sulio says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" and Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Sulio get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Sulio!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
And Sulio's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Sulio says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Sulio's boss says "No he didn't!" and Sulio says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Sulio says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Sulio's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Sulio!
Shortly afterwards, Sulio's boss passes out. Sulio comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Sulio's boss looks at Sulio and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Sulio?' that's a little more than I can take!

Duck Hunting

He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.
In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the nw Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.
Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and from the new Navigator truck), and they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the lit dynamite fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far away as they can.
Remember a couple of sentences back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog??
Let's talk about the dog: it's a highly trained Labrador used for RETRIEVING. Especially well trained at retrieving things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck..
The men continue to yell as they run away. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.
Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!!
And you thought your day was not going well.

Nasty Bug

Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left. The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.
He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded."Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

Funny Stories

"Funny Stories" are our collection of great fun real life story that help you relaxed while you learn English. Enjoy your Learning With us. Relax and improve your reading comprehension skills.

The Bar Story.

This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death.
However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground.
Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real ------- when you're drunk!"

Drought Attacks Georgia


The state of Georgia is in the midst of a major drought. Experts predict that, unless it rains “cats and dogs” real soon, the whole city of Atlanta will have no drinking water in four months. Lake Lanier, the source of Atlanta’s water delivery system, is now at only 20 percent of its usual level. To make matters worse, when Georgia water officials tried to block the flow of the Chattahoochee River southward to Alabama and Florida, those states threatened Georgia with lawsuits. They claimed that they were just as desperate for and entitled to that river water as Georgia was.
The Georgia Civil Air Patrol has been trying to seed the clouds overhead for the last six months, to no avail. State officials asked the local Cherokee Indians to do a rain dance. The Indians told them they would do a rain dance when the state returned all the land that it stole from the Cherokees. Officials hired the nation’s number one water finder. He found a still for making whiskey.
Finally, the governor himself held a press conference on the steps of the state capitol building. He asked all the media to bow their heads, raised his hands to heaven, and prayed. “Lord, we are asking for relief, not for us, but for the sick and the young in this state. Thank you, oh most powerful Lord.” The Georgia Association of Atheists immediately sued the governor for conducting prayer sessions on state property.

I’m No Alcoholic!


“Brigham, you really ought to think about stopping drinking,” Lionel said. “People are talking.” He brought up the subject as they were walking to lunch. Brigham always had a couple of beers for lunch, with a couple of bean burritos.
“Who cares?” Brigham asked. “It doesn’t interfere with my work. I’ve never killed anyone while driving. In fact, I haven’t even gotten a ticket for drunk driving. Not only that, but I’m a better driver with a buzz than most people are when they’re sober. Why should I quit? I enjoy my beer—it makes me feel good. It takes the edge off a tough day. I don’t do crazy things, and I don’t get mean and angry after I have a few. Most of the time, I drink at home, alone, watching TV. I’m not bothering or hurting anyone. What harm is there in that?”
“What harm? You told me that you stood up to get another beer last week and you crashed into your front door so hard that you got a lump on your forehead. I can still see the bruise. You were trying to walk into your kitchen, but instead you staggered into your front door! Your door is 15 feet away from the refrigerator.”
“I just stood up too fast. It wasn’t the beer. It’s called low blood pressure. And next time, I’ll just keep my mouth shut about what happens in my home.”
“Do you remember William Holden, the guy in the movie ‘Network’? He was on top of the world, but he died alone and drunk in his hotel room after he cracked his skull on the corner of a coffee table.”
“Yes, but I’m not William Holden, and my coffee table doesn’t have any corners—it’s oval.”

The Way to a Man’s Heart....


He was her university teacher. He was smart, confident, and had a great sense of humor. And he was rather good-looking, too. The fact was, she had fallen in love with him. She sensed that he might like her. She had caught him looking at her more than once. What to do?
At the end of the semester, she waited till all the other students had left. She said she had a gift for him. He said that was very nice of her. Then he looked around for a wrapped package. Where was the gift, he asked. She said it was still at the store. She would pick him up and take him there that Saturday, if that was okay with him.
She picked him up at the Starbucks near his apartment. They had a pleasant conversation on the drive to the mall. He was enjoying the mystery. He asked her: Was it an alarm clock so that he wouldn’t be late for class? Was it teaching materials, like markers and erasers? A new briefcase? An extra ink cartridge for his computer for when he printed handouts? She said that she couldn’t comment.
They got to the mall and went into Nordstrom’s. “I hope it isn’t a suit,” he joked. “I never wear suits.”
“No, it isn’t. But it’s something that you always wear with a suit.”
“A tie? Why would I wear a tie if I never wear suits?”
“Not a tie, silly,” she said, as they walked into the shoe department. She had noticed that he always wore the same pair of shoes in class. She had guessed that he wore size 11, and had picked out a nice two-tone casual model by Clark. She hoped that he would like the shoes as much as she did. The shoes fit perfectly, and he did like them. When they left the store, he offered her his hand, and they walked out to her car hand in hand. She was tingling. “Let me at least buy you dinner,” he suggested as they got into her car.

Cleaning a Dirty Plate.


It was a white, plain-looking dinner plate, with no adornment. The brand name was Corelle, a popular brand made by Corning. On the bottom of the plate, in addition to “Corelle” and “Corning,” was the following text: “Microwave Safe—Not for Broiler or Stovetop Use.”
Although now they were hard to find, all of his plates were the same brand and the same color. He had bought these plates, years ago, for two reasons. One, food cannot easily stick to or “hide” on unadorned plates. Therefore, they are easier to clean. Two, white plates show stains more clearly than colored or decorated plates. Stains you can see are stains you can clean. He had the same philosophy about silverware. He bought knives, forks, and spoons that had no ornamentation.
Standing at the kitchen sink, he turned on the cold water faucet. He picked up the dinner plate in his left hand. He grabbed the pad with his right hand. Dishwashing soap was already on the pad. He wet the pad and started scrubbing the plate. There was a stain in the middle of this plate, about six inches across. It went all around the plate, just inside of where the plate curved upwards.
This light brown stain had been growing for months. Today, he was going to get rid of it once and for all. He scrubbed. He scrubbed some more. He rinsed the plate off. The stain was still there. He added more soap to the pad. He scrubbed some more. All of a sudden, because the plate and his hands were so soapy and he was scrubbing with such force, the plate flew out of his hands. Had it flown another foot, it would have landed on the cushion of the dining room chair. Instead, it hit the steel frame of the armrest. Each piece on the floor was about the same size.

Eddie's Short Visit


Eddie drove over to see Betty. When he got to her apartment at about 3:15 p.m., he saw that her car wasn't in the carport. So he wrote a note: "Hi, Betty. I love you and I miss you. Love, Eddie."
He was about to tape the note onto her front door when he saw her car pull up. She walked up the stairs. Instead of the big smile, hug, and kiss that she usually greeted him with, she simply said, "What's up?"
"You didn't call me back for the last two days, honey, so I came over to see you." He gave her the note. She opened it, read it, and put it on the kitchen table.
"That's sweet," she said. She walked into her bedroom. Eddie followed her. She put her purse on the bed. Eddie tried to hug her.
"I have to wash my hands," she said. When she came out of the bathroom, she told Eddie that he should go home. She said that she was hungry and tired. She was going to fix something to eat. Then she was going to take a nap. She said that she might call him later.
During Eddie's entire five-minute visit, Betty had constantly avoided his eyes. Instead of walking him out to his car, like she usually did, Betty locked her front door as soon as Eddie was outside her apartment.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Brushing and Flossing


Kevin had just finished dessert. It was a piece of dark chocolate, washed down with a glass of cold milk. Delicious! He rinsed his mouth out with a glass of water, and then spit into the kitchen sink.
He sat down at the dining room table and grabbed some floss. He carefully flossed his top teeth and then his bottom teeth. Flossing was a chore. The floss almost always got stuck between two teeth in the upper back and two teeth in the lower front. Finally finished, he threw the frayed floss into the trash.
He went into the bathroom and grabbed his electric toothbrush. TV ads always show people putting toothpaste onto the entire length of the brush. Of course, that was to get them to use up the tube faster so they’d have to buy another tube sooner. Kevin put just a little toothpaste onto the brush. He brushed for about a minute.
He spent another 30 seconds brushing his tongue. Then he spit out all the toothpaste, and gargled and spit again.
Brushing and flossing are such a pain, he thought. If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they invent something easier and faster than toothpaste and dental floss?

The Yardman

The yardman comes every two weeks. He drives a gray pickup truck. The truck is a Ford. It is about 15 years old, but it runs well. It doesn’t burn oil, and it gets decent gas mileage. The yardman’s name is Byron.
In the back of his truck are a lawn mower, a leaf blower, a rake, and a shovel. Byron uses the leaf blower to blow leaves and dirt from the back of the building out to the front of the building. Then he rakes up the leaves into a bag. He blows the dirt out into the street. He cuts the lawn with his lawn mower. He trims the hedge. He uses the leaf blower to blow the dirt off each Welcome mat that lies in front of each apartment door.
Then he puts all the leaves, the grass trimmings, and the hedge clippings into a wheelbarrow. He pushes the wheelbarrow to the back of the building, where he uses his big shovel to empty the wheelbarrow contents into the big dumpster. It takes Byron about two hours to do this work.
When he is done, he goes half a block up the street to the house on the corner. There he does the same work again.

Homemade Ship to Sail Around the World.


Hans Andersen, a life-long fisherman, had a dream. He wanted to sail around the world. And he did it. He got several sponsors who subsidized his trip. He bought a beautiful 40-foot yacht, with all the latest technical and safety gear, and had a pleasant voyage. Well, except for almost sinking while going around the tips of South America and South Africa. But, everyone always almost capsized at those two capes.
The voyage went so smoothly that, looking back on it, he felt it was too easy. He needed a new challenge. He decided to build his own boat. But that was nothing new. Several people had built their own boat and sailed it around the world. No, he needed a unique boat. Watching TV commercials one day, he got it—ice cream sticks! He would be the first man to sail around the world in a boat built exclusively of ice cream sticks.
He put out the word. Within three years, school children from all over Holland had sent Hans 15 million ice cream sticks. He used these sticks to build a 45-foot replica of a Viking ship. After all the sticks were glued together, Hans took his new boat out to sea on a one-week voyage. “It’s magnificent, and totally sea-worthy,” he proclaimed.
He plans to set sail in early 2008 with a crew of two. He will sail across the Atlantic to Canada, and then down to Florida and through the Panama Canal. Then he’ll travel to Los Angeles, Honolulu, Tokyo, around the tip of South Africa, and back to Holland. “If this trip succeeds,” he joked, “my next goal will be to build a plane out of ice cream sticks and fly it around the world!”

A Clean Toilet Bowl

Mildred’s sister called. She was going to drop by. And whenever she visited, she usually made at least one trip to the bathroom. That meant one thing—Mildred needed to clean her toilet bowl.
This was the household chore that she hated the most. It was so icky! She grabbed the cleanser from beneath the bathroom sink. She sprinkled lots of it into the toilet bowl. Then she got out of her clothes, put on a big T-shirt, and pulled on her long-sleeved rubber gloves. Finally, she put on her goggles, because she didn’t want any toilet water to splash into her eyes. She didn’t know if toilet water could cause an eye infection, but she wasn’t going to take any chances.
She grabbed the long-handled toilet bowl brush that was beneath the sink. She started scrubbing. She scrubbed under the rim, all around the bowl, and deep into the throat of the bowl. Five minutes later, she figured she was finished.
She flushed the toilet and checked the bowl. It was clean as a whistle. Mildred breathed a sigh of relief, because usually she had to scrub the bowl twice to remove all the stains.
She removed her goggles, gloves, and T-shirt. Then she hopped into the shower.

Provider Overbills Customer


Simon got a monthly bill that he didn’t like. His Internet service provider, Wink, automatically withdrew $15 from his checking account each month. This was called direct payment. It made things simpler for him because it meant one less check to write each month.
In fact, Simon had direct payments with his gas company, his phone company, and his electric company. So that was four fewer checks that he had to write each month.
This month, instead of $15, Wink had withdrawn $75. Simon went online and looked at his account. Part of the increase was because he had switched from a slow dial-up connection to a fast DSL connection. Wink charged him $45 just to make that switch.
Simon thought that this charge in itself was ridiculous. It probably took them about five seconds to make the switch. But any time a corporation can gouge you, they will.
In addition to the $45, Wink had charged him $15 for his dial-up account, but had also charged him $15 for his DSL account. This was a double-charge, since a computer uses dial-up or DSL, but not both.
We’ll see about this, Simon thought, as he searched for Wink’s 800 number.

A Daytime Robbery

Rod was a manager at House Depot. He worked about 50 hours a week. He loved his job, although the extra hours cut into the time he could spend with his three little girls. One morning he was supposed to go home at 7 a.m. Instead, he stayed on to help out for three more hours. He was just about to leave at 10 a.m. when he heard something.

At one of the checkout counters, he saw a man dressed in white painter’s coveralls pointing a gun at the female checker. He had on a yellow cap, a white plastic painter’s mask, and white gloves.

Rod hurried over. Times in Los Angeles had changed. All managers now received training on how to respond to armed robberies and hostage-taking. Rod was nervous, but he knew what he was supposed to do. He approached the gunman.

“Sir, please don’t point that gun. We will give you all the money you—”

The gunman didn’t even wait for Rod to finish his sentence. He shot Rod in the stomach. The checker screamed. The gunman ran out to a white van and hopped in. The van sped off.

Rod didn't even make it to surgery. The killing made all the TV news shows. House Depot offered a $100,000 reward.

Friday, March 28, 2008

A Howling Halloween

It was a dark, rainy night at eight o’clock on the thirty-first of October. Andy and his friend Paul were walking home together as usual. But this night was different. It was Halloween. As they were walking along a large, black cat jumped out in front of them and ran off into the night. They looked up into the sky and saw a light shining. It glowed red, then blue then green and gold. “What was it?” they wondered.
The air felt still and cold. It had stopped raining and everything was creepy. It felt like something was going to happen. Andy and Paul went past a very old house. It was a huge old house which was deserted. The house lay in a big, shadowy garden, surrounded by trees. As they were going past the house they heard a strange noise. It was a long, low howling noise.
"Maybe it's a dog," said Paul, trying not to be scared."It must be in trouble. Let's go and see," said Andy.
They passed through the old rusty gates and crept along the path towards the door of the house. It was so dark that they could hardly see. The wind whistled through the trees. Again they heard the low howling sound, coming from the house.Oooooh! Oooooh!
"I don't think it's a dog," said Andy."You're just a scaredy cat!" said Paul."Come on, let's go inside."
They went up the stairs and pushed open the front door. It creaked loudly and fell open with a bang. The air felt cool and clammy and creepy.
Paul walked into the hallway. An enormous spider's web hit him in the face and he screamed."Aaagh!""It's only a spider's web," said Andy.
They went into a large room on the ground floor. On the wall over the fireplace hung a huge mirror. They looked into the mirror and saw lights dancing inside it. Then suddenly a huge ghostly head came out of the mirror and tried to grab them!
'Aaagh!' they both screamed and turned and ran to the front door - but it was shut! What was happening to them? Then they heard the howling noise again. It was coming from upstairs.

They had no choice. They tiptoed silently up the stairs. They listened again. The noise was coming from a room at the end of the corridor. They moved slowly towards the door. They felt really afraid. What would they see? What horrible thing would they find behind the door?
They went into the room. They couldn't believe their eyes. They saw the most amazing collection of witches and monsters and ghosts - and they were all having a party!
The witches were disco dancing, the wizards were drinking their special brew and jumping around, the monsters were eating exploding lollipops and other exciting sweets. There were bats wing cocktails, worm-flavoured crisps and pumpkin surprise pizzas. In fact there was everything for a Halloween party. They found out that the howling noise was a ghost called Grimly, who was providing the singing entertainment for the evening.
Paul and Andy drank several bats wing cocktails and then Paul danced with the ugliest witch at the party - she had a green head and no teeth. Andy danced with a spectacular purple headed monster who taught him a new dance called the 'Monster Boogie'.
Everyone had a wonderful time and danced until dawn. When the sun came up they all went off to their ghostly homes agreeing that it was the best Halloween party ever. "See you next year," they shouted to Paul and Andy, "and Happy Halloween!"

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Learn English Online

Learning English Online becomes very popular at the time all over the world. People can learn English right at their home with the comfort of the online lessons delivery from lots of English Learning website. English Learners even contact with their mentors/tutors face to face with supporting of the internet technology and webcam or kind of online conference software.
There are many different types of Online English Lessons that fits almost all levels of English. These days, learners can practice speaking skill online with live people who are from the English speaking countries. They also learn how to write English well with fully intruction completely through the internet. And with the advance of the internet with flash video..., English learners can watch and learn at the same time. They improve Listening skill dramaticly with thousands of site that that offer free listening practice.
Another way of Learn English is to learn through English short stories. This is the greatest method that helps English Learners improve their Vocabulary very quickly and get to use them effectively.
How do you learn English? Do you still take the traditional way of learning English with a teacher in the class? And you don't care much about the cost of the travel to you class every day? Why don't you give a try with English Learn Online today.
Contact us today and Improve your English! We have online classes that guarantee you will speak English in 3 months.
WITH BenEnglishClass.coom ! EVERY ONE CAN LEARN ENGLISH

The Lovely Banana


What a wonderful fruit the banana is, popular all over the world. Its three colors tell you how ripe it is. Green means go, as in go find another banana. Yellow means eat me. Brown means eat me but don’t bother chewing before you swallow. The only thing that would make a banana more user-friendly is if you could eat the peel. Plus, a banana is neat to eat. When you bite into it, you don’t have to worry about juice squirting all over yourself and your dinner neighbors (like oranges or grapefruit, for example). And it’s a silent food—you can chew it all you like without driving your neighbors crazy with crunching sounds (like apples or carrots, for example). Finally, it’s easy to cut—you don’t need a steak knife. You can slice it with a fork or a spoon, if you like.
You’re never too young or too old to eat bananas. Babies eat mashed bananas before their teeth grow in. Great-great-grandparents eat mashed bananas after their teeth fall out.
The banana is versatile. You can fry it, bake it, mash it, or eat it raw. You can slice it and put it on your breakfast cereal. At lunchtime you can snack on a raw banana, or make a peanut butter and banana sandwich, or eat a bag of dried bananas. You can add a banana to your ice cream for dessert and call it a banana split. You can order a healthful banana smoothie at your local smoothie store. On weekends you can order a banana daiquiri at your local bar or restaurant.
Here in the US, we get most of our bananas from Ecuador and Costa Rica, although the fruit reportedly originated in Asia. Bananas give us lots of potassium and vitamins A and C, and hardly any sodium. The price of bananas hasn’t changed much over recent years—they’re still about 65 cents a pound, despite rising gas and labor prices. If that’s too expensive, you can still get three pounds for a buck at many dollar stores.

The Driving Lesson


He had just bought a new car—a Lincoln. It was a big, long, four-door sedan. Some days, he would go out to his beautiful car and just sit in it. But he was going to the hospital next week for a colonoscopy; he needed to give his wife some practice in driving the Lincoln. She had to pick him up after the medical procedure. Because he was receiving anesthesia before the colonoscopy, the law required that he not drive himself home. She drove a Honda Accord, a medium-sized car. But the Honda was in the shop. Someone had crashed into it while she was Christmas shopping at Macy’s.
They got into the Lincoln. She moved the seat all the way forward. They put on their seatbelts. She raised the seat a little so she could see better over the dashboard. He told her that it was just like driving the Honda, except that the Lincoln had a longer hood and a bigger trunk. She started the engine. She moved the gearshift from park to reverse. “Now be careful,” he said, a little nervously. She looked in the rearview mirror, and started backing up.
“Brake, brake!” he yelled, because she was about to hit the three-foot-high hedge that bordered the parking lot. But his yell startled her. Instead of hitting the brake, she slammed on the gas. The brand new Lincoln went through the thick hedge, through a six-foot-high wooden fence, and right into the shallow end of the swimming pool.

Smells like Chicken


Kentucky Fried Chicken announced that it is going to advertise its new $3 lunches through customers’ nostrils. The company plans to send a fried chicken scent throughout office buildings at lunchtime. The aroma will be dispensed from the mail-cart that distributes interoffice mail throughout a building. KFC’s president thinks it’s an idea whose time has come.
“That’s a terrible idea,” exclaimed Rose, a secretary for the Department of Defense in Alexandria, Virginia. “First of all, I’m a vegetarian; the scent of cooked meat appalls me. Secondly, I belong to PETA—People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. And we all know how terribly chickens are treated before they are butchered. The whole idea is disgusting. And what makes it even worse is that they plan to foul the air every workday with fried chicken odor. Once a month would be bad enough, but once a day?”
A KFC spokesman said that KFC’s chickens are caged and butchered humanely, and that the scent would be subtle, “like a woman’s perfume in a very big elevator.” He said the scent would be just strong enough to notice. He also noted that KFC does not discriminate against meat-eaters; it has a vegetarian menu that includes tofu shaped like chicken breasts and wings.
“Do they make the tofu crunchy and greasy, too?” asked Rose. “I’m going to demand equal time—if we office workers have to smell fried chicken every day, then they should also have to listen to the sound of chickens’ heads getting chopped off every day.”

Dog Inherits Millions


The late Leona Bridges, a New York woman who married into millions, left her mansion and her $12 million fortune to her pet, a little white Chihuahua named Duchess. Although Leona is survived by one son, Wilbur, and three grandchildren, they received nothing in her will.
Wilbur was not surprised. He had already hired a lawyer to fight the will. The lawyer said there would be no problem proving that Leona wasn’t “all there” when she signed her will. No one, said the lawyer, in their right mind could be so cruel to their own flesh and blood while being so generous to a dog that had been rescued from an animal shelter. “The dog doesn’t even have papers,” said the lawyer, as if the dog’s having papers would make the will a reasonable one.
Leona had not spoken to Wilbur in five years. They used to get along very well. Then Wilbur made an unfortunate joke. He was visiting Leona one afternoon. She had just spent $400 at a dog beauty parlor. The employees had washed, shampooed, and blow-dried Duchess, and then tied a big pink ribbon around her neck. Leona mentioned to Wilbur how beautiful Duchess looked. Wilbur said, “Yes, if your idea of beauty is a large rodent with a pink ribbon around its skinnyneck.” Leona gave him a dirty look.
Wilbur apologized, saying he was just joking, but Leona told him to leave immediately. How dare her son belittle her “baby.” She didn’t respond to any of his emails or phone messages. Leona told her staff to never use the words “Wilbur” or “rodent” in her presence. Days later, she fired her butler when he said he was going “to polish the silver”—she thought he said he was going “to watch for Wilbur.” The butler had worked for Leona for 25 years.

The Fire Alarm


Jennifer's ears were "talking" to her. They were making little sounds, like little bubbles bursting. A "bubble" was bursting almost every second. It was not painful, but annoying. She knew the cause.
While she was cleaning the whiteboard after her class ended last night, the fire alarm went off. Instead of leaving the building immediately, she walked around to see what the problem was. The blaring alarm sounded like the busy signal on a phone, but 1,000 times louder. The school seemed to be empty. Then she walked by one room, and saw about seven students inside.
Just then the night supervisor came by. She told everyone to leave immediately. The students were packing their hair-care equipment into their bags. The night supervisor waited impatiently. Finally, after almost five minutes, all the students and their teacher left the building. They apologized for being so slow.
The firemen never arrived. Instead, a school police officer showed up. He walked around the area with the supervisor. It was a false alarm. The officer used his key to finally turn off the alarm.
But it was too late for Jennifer. She had listened to the loud alarm for too long. She should have known better. Even as she drove home, her ears felt strange.

The New Realtor


Norma was discouraged. She was a new realtor. She had recently passed the state test on her first try. Then she joined a realty company. They offered training classes two to four times a week. Norma attended the classes faithfully.
But because English was her second language, she didn’t catch everything that the instructor said. When she asked the instructor to repeat something, he told her to see him after class. But when other students asked a question, the instructor answered the question right then and there.
To Norma, the instructor always said, "See me after class." Then, when she tried to see him after class, he would say that he was late for an appointment. "How about next time?" he would say. He was always too busy to help her.
"He’s not too busy, he’s just too lazy," her boyfriend said. “There are too many ‘instructors' like that. All they care about is presenting their information. If the students don’t get it, that’s their problem. You have to be strong. These people are not going to help you. They want you to fail, because that means less competition for them. It’s a dog-eat-dog business."

A Noisy Neighbor


Barbara couldn’t take it any more. Her upstairs neighbor was blasting his stereo again. She had asked him twice already to turn the volume down. The first time she asked, he was surprised. He said he didn’t know that she could hear his stereo.
"Yes," she said, "it’s just like your stereo was in my living room. I can hear every note!"
He said he would keep it down. She hoped that he was telling the truth. Of course, he wasn’t. The very next day, he blasted his stereo. She marched upstairs to remind him of his promise. He said the volume was so low that he could barely hear it. She asked him to turn it lower. He said he would try. Barbara could swear that when she reentered her apartment, the music was louder than when she had walked upstairs.
So, this was the third time. She took her baseball bat upstairs with her. She knocked very loudly on his door. When he opened the door, she screamed at him like a crazy person. She told him she would kill him if he didn’t turn the music down and keep it down. His eyes got big.
She went back downstairs. She couldn’t hear a note.
I can’t believe I said that, she told herself.

Laundry Day


Saturday morning meant one thing for Susan—doing the laundry. She hated doing the laundry. Unenthusiastically, she took the pillow cases off all the pillows. Then she removed the fitted sheet from the mattress. She took the towel off the towel bar in the bathroom.
She grabbed a couple of dirty dish towels out of the kitchen, and looked all around her apartment for anything else that needed washing.
In the corner of her living room, a can of coins sat on top of the file cabinet. She fished out seven quarters. She opened the cabinet under her kitchen sink and grabbed a plastic bottle of liquid detergent.
Finally, she set her electronic timer for 35 minutes. The timer would remind her that the washing was done, and that it was time to go back downstairs and put the clothes into the dryer for 40 minutes. Without the timer, Susan would completely forget to check her clothes.
Susan carried the laundry basket downstairs. How happy she would be when her laundry was done for this week. As she approached the laundry room, she heard a familiar sound. The sound was the washer washing and the dryer drying. One of her neighbors had got there before her. Muttering, Susan took her basket back upstairs.

Sara's Upset Stomach


Sara needed to see the doctor. She had an upset stomach. She felt bloated, and needed to pass gas every minute or so. This was terrible. She couldn’t go anywhere in public.
Her friends told her it was because she had moved to America. The air, water, and food in America weren’t agreeing with her. They said she would have to return to her home country.
"No way," Sara said. She didn’t want to go home. She liked America. This was a minor problem, she was sure. Any good doctor would solve it in no time. Two days later, she saw her doctor. He asked her if she drank milk. She said yes, three glasses a day.
“Don’t drink any more regular milk. Start drinking lactose-free milk, because lactose can upset your stomach."
Then he asked her if there were any big problems in her life. She said that her boyfriend was a big problem. He wanted to get married, but she didn’t. The doctor said that she should find another boyfriend.
"Why?" Sara asked.
"Because your boyfriend is giving you too much stress. He is probably the main cause of your upset stomach."
"I don’t think my boyfriend is going to like that."
"Just tell him if he really loves you, he should leave you."

Provider Overbills Customer


Simon got a monthly bill that he didn’t like. His Internet service provider, Wink, automatically withdrew $15 from his checking account each month. This was called direct payment. It made things simpler for him because it meant one less check to write each month.
In fact, Simon had direct payments with his gas company, his phone company, and his electric company. So that was four fewer checks that he had to write each month.
This month, instead of $15, Wink had withdrawn $75. Simon went online and looked at his account. Part of the increase was because he had switched from a slow dial-up connection to a fast DSL connection. Wink charged him $45 just to make that switch.
Simon thought that this charge in itself was ridiculous. It probably took them about five seconds to make the switch. But any time a corporation can gouge you, they will.
In addition to the $45, Wink had charged him $15 for his dial-up account, but had also charged him $15 for his DSL account. This was a double-charge, since a computer uses dial-up or DSL, but not both.
We’ll see about this, Simon thought, as he searched for Wink’s 800 number.

Pete's Sharp Knife


Pete was in his kitchen. He was about to slice three green apples. He liked to eat fresh apples with cinnamon sprinkled on them. He opened the blinds so that he could get more sunlight into the kitchen. Now he could see what he was doing.
He grabbed a knife out of a drawer. It said "Surgical Stainless USA" on the side of the blade. The blade was very thin and light. It had teeth, like a saw. The handle was a brown piece of cheap hollow plastic.
He had bought this knife about 20 years ago at a county fair. It was one of those knives that were advertised on TV. It could cut through a tomato can, and then cut easily and cleanly through a fresh tomato.
"You never need to sharpen it. The sharp edge is guaranteed for life." That’s how they advertised it. And Pete, for once, couldn’t argue that the advertisers lied. This was a great knife.
But it was also a dangerous knife. A couple of years ago, Pete was careless. He was rapidly slicing a potato and the blade got his finger. The doctor put three stitches in Pete’s finger.
"Next time, be more careful," the doctor said.
No kidding, Pete thought. He was so careful that he didn’t use the knife for almost a year.

A Shower Injury


Ben leaned over the edge of the tub. He turned on the hot and cold water faucets. The water came out of the spout near the top of the tub. He pushed down on the lever beneath the spout so that the water would drain. He was going to take a shower, not a bath.
He tested the temperature. It wasn’t hot enough. He adjusted the hot water faucet. There was another handle between the hot and cold faucets. This one controlled whether water came out of the spout or out of the shower head. Ben turned it all the way to the right. Now hot water was coming out of the shower head. The temperature was just right.
Ben took off his robe and stepped over the top of the tub. He pulled the shower door closed. He grabbed the bar of soap out of the soap dish and started scrubbing his face.
While his eyes were closed to keep out the soap, he put the soap back into the dish. Then he reached for the big plastic container of shampoo on his window ledge. The bottle slipped out of his hands and landed on his left foot.
"Shoot!" Ben said angrily. That hurt.

Does Garlic Mean Garlic?


Mike looked at the label on the big plastic container. It said Garlic Powder. There was a U with a circle around it after the word Powder. What does this U mean, Mike wondered. Under the word Powder was another word, Seasoning. Under that word was a drawing of a garlic bulb.
Mike knew that food labels can be tricky. Powder is powder, but Seasoning could mean salt. He looked all around the plastic container for an ingredients label. There wasn’t one. In small print under the drawing of the garlic bulb was a phone number: 1-800-632-6900. Call that number if you have comments or questions, the label said.
Mike called the number. A woman answered. He asked her what the U inside a circle meant. She said it meant kosher. Kosher food is food that is prepared according to Jewish law.
Mike asked where the ingredients label was. She said if there is only one ingredient, there is no ingredients label.
"So, there is no salt in this product?" Mike asked.
"No, sir," she said. “It’s 100 percent garlic powder."
"Why does it say, Product of USA and China?"
She said that sometimes they get the garlic from China, sometimes they get it from the US.

Carbon Monoxide


Helen stepped outside her front door to see what the weather was like. It was sunny and warm. That was nice, because for the past two weeks it had been cold and rainy. It had been so cold that she had had to turn her heater on. She was lucky, because her heater worked and she could pay her heating bills.
Some people in Los Angeles were not so lucky. Unable to use their home heater, they placed charcoal into a barbecue grill and lit it. The heat kept them warm, but the carbon monoxide killed them.
This happens almost every winter in Los Angeles. People shut all the windows tight to keep the cold out, then light the charcoal. Soon enough, the oxygen in their home is consumed by the open flames. The family suffocates to death.
Everyone knows that smoke detectors are required in Los Angeles. But many people don't know about, or don't think they need, carbon monoxide detectors. They're not expensive. A $25 investment can save a family from death.
People always think that nothing bad will happen to them; it always happens to "the other guy." So they forget to put fresh batteries into their smoke detectors annually, and they don't bother to buy carbon monoxide detectors.

Man Holds Staff Hostage


Morgan Cohen walked into the campaign office for Hillary Clinton. He claimed to have a bomb strapped onto him. He told the five workers to go about their business, but he ordered them not to try to leave. “If one of you tries to leave,” he said, “I will kill myself along with the others.” Then he walked over to a desk and asked for Hillary’s phone number. Hillary was in Iowa, talking to voters about her plan to provide national health care for everyone in America.
None of the workers had her cell phone number. Upset, he dialed 911. He told the dispatcher that if they didn’t give him Hillary’s phone number immediately, he would blow up her campaign office and everyone in it. The dispatcher asked him to please hold on while he tried to get the number. Police and the FBI drove over to the office and surrounded it.
The dispatcher gave Morgan the correct phone number. He dialed it, and Hillary answered her phone. Morgan explained to her that he was not getting the medical treatment that he needed. Every time he went to visit his doctor, his doctor was out to lunch. Even at 10 in the morning and 4 in the afternoon. “How can my doctor eat lunch all day long?” he asked Hillary. Hillary said she didn’t know, but that she would try to get a law passed forbidding doctors to have all-day lunches.
Morgan continued talking to Hillary until he noticed the police car lights outside the building. He hung up and walked to the front door of the building. A police captain asked Morgan to release all the hostages. Morgan said he would release them if the police brought him a cigarette and a Whopper from Burger King. A short while later, while Morgan was eating the Whopper, the police rushed in and tackled him. His “bomb” was nothing more than a few flares taped to his waist under his jacket.
Morgan, who lived in a nearby town, was known for his strange behavior. He had been under psychiatric care for much of his life. FBI officials were outraged that Morgan interrupted a busy presidential candidate. A spokesman vowed that Morgan would be thrown into jail for a long time for kidnapping, reckless endangerment, and terrorism. “Mental illness is no excuse,” he declared. “This is a nation of laws, not excuses.”

A Good Sandwich


Gordon was hungry. He opened the refrigerator. There must be something in here to eat, he thought. There was—a single hot dog.
He took it out of its package and put a small frying pan onto the stove’s gas burner. He turned on the heat. Then he poured a little bit of vegetable oil into the pan. He sliced the hot dog in half lengthwise. When the oil got hot, he put the two halves in the pan. About a minute later, he flipped each half over. After another minute, he took the hot dog out of the pan.
Gordon put two slices of bread into the toaster. This was tasty and healthy bread. The first ingredient listed was organic sprouted wheat. The first ingredient in ordinary bread is usually unbleached flour.
When the toast popped up, he put mustard, mayonnaise, and ketchup on one slice. Then he added two slices of onion. On top of the onions, he placed the hot dog. On top of the hot dog, he put a couple of slices of apple. Then he added some bits of hot green chile, and then put the top piece of toast onto the chile bits.
Ahh, what a sandwich, he thought, as he sat down to eat.

Horses to Ride!


Laura went to the stable. Four horses stood there. She put a saddle on Star. He was seven years old, big and dark brown. Her sister came out to the stable. They were both going to exercise the horses. It was a warm, sunny day. Janice saddled up Moonbeam, a white mare. They got on the horses and started walking them.
A few minutes later, Laura was telling Janice about the new doctor in her hospital. She raised her hand for a second to make a point. Just then, Star bucked. Laura went flying into the air. She landed on her head and shoulder on the grass.
"Oh, my gosh!" Jan cried. "Laura, are you all right?"
Laura moaned. Jan gently rolled her over. She didn’t see any blood. That’s good, she thought.
"Can you move? You’re not paralyzed anywhere, are you?"
Jan pulled Laura up into a sitting position. Laura slightly moved her legs and arms. She wasn’t paralyzed. When she moved her right hand to touch her head, she groaned.
"What’s the matter?"
"That hurt. When I moved my arm, it hurt."
They still didn’t see any blood. Jan unbuttoned the top buttons on Laura’s blouse and looked at Laura’s right collarbone.
"Oh, no," she said.

A Visit To Asia

Liz was excited. She was going to Asia with her mom. Neither of them had ever traveled out of the United States before. They were going to fly to Hong Kong. After staying in Hong Kong for three nights, they would travel on their cruise ship to Shanghai and Beijing.
"Beijing is inland, so we have to take about a two-hour bus ride to get there from the port. I forget the name of the port. Anyway, we're going to see the Great Wall, the Tiananmen Square, and the Forbidden City. It’s going to be so cool!" she told her neighbor Jane.
From China, the cruise ship would go to Pusan in South Korea, and finally to Tokyo. From Tokyo, they would catch a flight back to Los Angeles.
"The trip is going to last three weeks. It's only going to cost us $2,800 each, IF we can control our urge to shop," she laughed.
"I hope your trip is more fun than mine was," said Jane. "I took a cruise to the Bahamas, but almost all the passengers got sick. I caught some kind of virus that made me throw up for almost three days. They gave us a discount that we could use on a future trip. Ha! No more cruising for me."
"We've heard about those disasters," said Liz. "Mom and I are going to be washing our hands every 30 minutes, and we're bringing surgical masks with us."

ESL Stories

Below are hundreds of English Short stories help Improve your reading comprehension skills and enhance your vocabulary knowledge with ESL short stories. Most of our stories will improve your practical vocabulary knowledge that you can use in your daily communication.


Free Online ESL short stories

English is an International Language. Millions of people try to find the good ways to learn English today. Learning English through English ESL short stories is the good method to improve your reading comprehension and vocabulary.



We have a great collection of English ESL Short stories which helps English learners enjoy their reading and learn English at the same time. Our English Stories contain practical English expressions in daily spoken English that are most useful for learning to speak English.