Monday, March 31, 2008

Smart Student.

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.
Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look."Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

Recovering Thinker.

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jacks. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.
Have you joined Thinker's Anonymous yet?

Medical Problems

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible!
What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

Catch A Rabbit.

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.The FBI goes in.After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.The LAPD goes in.They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Cup Holder.

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

I Know This Lawyer.

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail within 3 minutes!"

Best Known Man In The World

There was a man named Sulio and Sulio knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Sulio got a new job, Sulio says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Sulio says "Yes I do!" so Sulio's boss says "Well prove it!" then Sulio says "Pick someone... and I know them!"
Well Sulio's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Sulio says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" then Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Sulio knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Sulio goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Sulio!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick somebody else!"
This time Sulio's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Sulio says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" and Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Sulio get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Sulio!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
And Sulio's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Sulio says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Sulio's boss says "No he didn't!" and Sulio says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Sulio says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Sulio's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Sulio!
Shortly afterwards, Sulio's boss passes out. Sulio comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Sulio's boss looks at Sulio and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Sulio?' that's a little more than I can take!

Duck Hunting

He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.
In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the nw Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.
Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and from the new Navigator truck), and they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the lit dynamite fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far away as they can.
Remember a couple of sentences back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog??
Let's talk about the dog: it's a highly trained Labrador used for RETRIEVING. Especially well trained at retrieving things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck..
The men continue to yell as they run away. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.
Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!!
And you thought your day was not going well.

Nasty Bug

Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left. The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.
He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded."Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

Funny Stories

"Funny Stories" are our collection of great fun real life story that help you relaxed while you learn English. Enjoy your Learning With us. Relax and improve your reading comprehension skills.

The Bar Story.

This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death.
However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground.
Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real ------- when you're drunk!"

Drought Attacks Georgia


The state of Georgia is in the midst of a major drought. Experts predict that, unless it rains “cats and dogs” real soon, the whole city of Atlanta will have no drinking water in four months. Lake Lanier, the source of Atlanta’s water delivery system, is now at only 20 percent of its usual level. To make matters worse, when Georgia water officials tried to block the flow of the Chattahoochee River southward to Alabama and Florida, those states threatened Georgia with lawsuits. They claimed that they were just as desperate for and entitled to that river water as Georgia was.
The Georgia Civil Air Patrol has been trying to seed the clouds overhead for the last six months, to no avail. State officials asked the local Cherokee Indians to do a rain dance. The Indians told them they would do a rain dance when the state returned all the land that it stole from the Cherokees. Officials hired the nation’s number one water finder. He found a still for making whiskey.
Finally, the governor himself held a press conference on the steps of the state capitol building. He asked all the media to bow their heads, raised his hands to heaven, and prayed. “Lord, we are asking for relief, not for us, but for the sick and the young in this state. Thank you, oh most powerful Lord.” The Georgia Association of Atheists immediately sued the governor for conducting prayer sessions on state property.

I’m No Alcoholic!


“Brigham, you really ought to think about stopping drinking,” Lionel said. “People are talking.” He brought up the subject as they were walking to lunch. Brigham always had a couple of beers for lunch, with a couple of bean burritos.
“Who cares?” Brigham asked. “It doesn’t interfere with my work. I’ve never killed anyone while driving. In fact, I haven’t even gotten a ticket for drunk driving. Not only that, but I’m a better driver with a buzz than most people are when they’re sober. Why should I quit? I enjoy my beer—it makes me feel good. It takes the edge off a tough day. I don’t do crazy things, and I don’t get mean and angry after I have a few. Most of the time, I drink at home, alone, watching TV. I’m not bothering or hurting anyone. What harm is there in that?”
“What harm? You told me that you stood up to get another beer last week and you crashed into your front door so hard that you got a lump on your forehead. I can still see the bruise. You were trying to walk into your kitchen, but instead you staggered into your front door! Your door is 15 feet away from the refrigerator.”
“I just stood up too fast. It wasn’t the beer. It’s called low blood pressure. And next time, I’ll just keep my mouth shut about what happens in my home.”
“Do you remember William Holden, the guy in the movie ‘Network’? He was on top of the world, but he died alone and drunk in his hotel room after he cracked his skull on the corner of a coffee table.”
“Yes, but I’m not William Holden, and my coffee table doesn’t have any corners—it’s oval.”

The Way to a Man’s Heart....


He was her university teacher. He was smart, confident, and had a great sense of humor. And he was rather good-looking, too. The fact was, she had fallen in love with him. She sensed that he might like her. She had caught him looking at her more than once. What to do?
At the end of the semester, she waited till all the other students had left. She said she had a gift for him. He said that was very nice of her. Then he looked around for a wrapped package. Where was the gift, he asked. She said it was still at the store. She would pick him up and take him there that Saturday, if that was okay with him.
She picked him up at the Starbucks near his apartment. They had a pleasant conversation on the drive to the mall. He was enjoying the mystery. He asked her: Was it an alarm clock so that he wouldn’t be late for class? Was it teaching materials, like markers and erasers? A new briefcase? An extra ink cartridge for his computer for when he printed handouts? She said that she couldn’t comment.
They got to the mall and went into Nordstrom’s. “I hope it isn’t a suit,” he joked. “I never wear suits.”
“No, it isn’t. But it’s something that you always wear with a suit.”
“A tie? Why would I wear a tie if I never wear suits?”
“Not a tie, silly,” she said, as they walked into the shoe department. She had noticed that he always wore the same pair of shoes in class. She had guessed that he wore size 11, and had picked out a nice two-tone casual model by Clark. She hoped that he would like the shoes as much as she did. The shoes fit perfectly, and he did like them. When they left the store, he offered her his hand, and they walked out to her car hand in hand. She was tingling. “Let me at least buy you dinner,” he suggested as they got into her car.

Cleaning a Dirty Plate.


It was a white, plain-looking dinner plate, with no adornment. The brand name was Corelle, a popular brand made by Corning. On the bottom of the plate, in addition to “Corelle” and “Corning,” was the following text: “Microwave Safe—Not for Broiler or Stovetop Use.”
Although now they were hard to find, all of his plates were the same brand and the same color. He had bought these plates, years ago, for two reasons. One, food cannot easily stick to or “hide” on unadorned plates. Therefore, they are easier to clean. Two, white plates show stains more clearly than colored or decorated plates. Stains you can see are stains you can clean. He had the same philosophy about silverware. He bought knives, forks, and spoons that had no ornamentation.
Standing at the kitchen sink, he turned on the cold water faucet. He picked up the dinner plate in his left hand. He grabbed the pad with his right hand. Dishwashing soap was already on the pad. He wet the pad and started scrubbing the plate. There was a stain in the middle of this plate, about six inches across. It went all around the plate, just inside of where the plate curved upwards.
This light brown stain had been growing for months. Today, he was going to get rid of it once and for all. He scrubbed. He scrubbed some more. He rinsed the plate off. The stain was still there. He added more soap to the pad. He scrubbed some more. All of a sudden, because the plate and his hands were so soapy and he was scrubbing with such force, the plate flew out of his hands. Had it flown another foot, it would have landed on the cushion of the dining room chair. Instead, it hit the steel frame of the armrest. Each piece on the floor was about the same size.

Eddie's Short Visit


Eddie drove over to see Betty. When he got to her apartment at about 3:15 p.m., he saw that her car wasn't in the carport. So he wrote a note: "Hi, Betty. I love you and I miss you. Love, Eddie."
He was about to tape the note onto her front door when he saw her car pull up. She walked up the stairs. Instead of the big smile, hug, and kiss that she usually greeted him with, she simply said, "What's up?"
"You didn't call me back for the last two days, honey, so I came over to see you." He gave her the note. She opened it, read it, and put it on the kitchen table.
"That's sweet," she said. She walked into her bedroom. Eddie followed her. She put her purse on the bed. Eddie tried to hug her.
"I have to wash my hands," she said. When she came out of the bathroom, she told Eddie that he should go home. She said that she was hungry and tired. She was going to fix something to eat. Then she was going to take a nap. She said that she might call him later.
During Eddie's entire five-minute visit, Betty had constantly avoided his eyes. Instead of walking him out to his car, like she usually did, Betty locked her front door as soon as Eddie was outside her apartment.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Brushing and Flossing


Kevin had just finished dessert. It was a piece of dark chocolate, washed down with a glass of cold milk. Delicious! He rinsed his mouth out with a glass of water, and then spit into the kitchen sink.
He sat down at the dining room table and grabbed some floss. He carefully flossed his top teeth and then his bottom teeth. Flossing was a chore. The floss almost always got stuck between two teeth in the upper back and two teeth in the lower front. Finally finished, he threw the frayed floss into the trash.
He went into the bathroom and grabbed his electric toothbrush. TV ads always show people putting toothpaste onto the entire length of the brush. Of course, that was to get them to use up the tube faster so they’d have to buy another tube sooner. Kevin put just a little toothpaste onto the brush. He brushed for about a minute.
He spent another 30 seconds brushing his tongue. Then he spit out all the toothpaste, and gargled and spit again.
Brushing and flossing are such a pain, he thought. If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they invent something easier and faster than toothpaste and dental floss?

The Yardman

The yardman comes every two weeks. He drives a gray pickup truck. The truck is a Ford. It is about 15 years old, but it runs well. It doesn’t burn oil, and it gets decent gas mileage. The yardman’s name is Byron.
In the back of his truck are a lawn mower, a leaf blower, a rake, and a shovel. Byron uses the leaf blower to blow leaves and dirt from the back of the building out to the front of the building. Then he rakes up the leaves into a bag. He blows the dirt out into the street. He cuts the lawn with his lawn mower. He trims the hedge. He uses the leaf blower to blow the dirt off each Welcome mat that lies in front of each apartment door.
Then he puts all the leaves, the grass trimmings, and the hedge clippings into a wheelbarrow. He pushes the wheelbarrow to the back of the building, where he uses his big shovel to empty the wheelbarrow contents into the big dumpster. It takes Byron about two hours to do this work.
When he is done, he goes half a block up the street to the house on the corner. There he does the same work again.

Homemade Ship to Sail Around the World.


Hans Andersen, a life-long fisherman, had a dream. He wanted to sail around the world. And he did it. He got several sponsors who subsidized his trip. He bought a beautiful 40-foot yacht, with all the latest technical and safety gear, and had a pleasant voyage. Well, except for almost sinking while going around the tips of South America and South Africa. But, everyone always almost capsized at those two capes.
The voyage went so smoothly that, looking back on it, he felt it was too easy. He needed a new challenge. He decided to build his own boat. But that was nothing new. Several people had built their own boat and sailed it around the world. No, he needed a unique boat. Watching TV commercials one day, he got it—ice cream sticks! He would be the first man to sail around the world in a boat built exclusively of ice cream sticks.
He put out the word. Within three years, school children from all over Holland had sent Hans 15 million ice cream sticks. He used these sticks to build a 45-foot replica of a Viking ship. After all the sticks were glued together, Hans took his new boat out to sea on a one-week voyage. “It’s magnificent, and totally sea-worthy,” he proclaimed.
He plans to set sail in early 2008 with a crew of two. He will sail across the Atlantic to Canada, and then down to Florida and through the Panama Canal. Then he’ll travel to Los Angeles, Honolulu, Tokyo, around the tip of South Africa, and back to Holland. “If this trip succeeds,” he joked, “my next goal will be to build a plane out of ice cream sticks and fly it around the world!”

A Clean Toilet Bowl

Mildred’s sister called. She was going to drop by. And whenever she visited, she usually made at least one trip to the bathroom. That meant one thing—Mildred needed to clean her toilet bowl.
This was the household chore that she hated the most. It was so icky! She grabbed the cleanser from beneath the bathroom sink. She sprinkled lots of it into the toilet bowl. Then she got out of her clothes, put on a big T-shirt, and pulled on her long-sleeved rubber gloves. Finally, she put on her goggles, because she didn’t want any toilet water to splash into her eyes. She didn’t know if toilet water could cause an eye infection, but she wasn’t going to take any chances.
She grabbed the long-handled toilet bowl brush that was beneath the sink. She started scrubbing. She scrubbed under the rim, all around the bowl, and deep into the throat of the bowl. Five minutes later, she figured she was finished.
She flushed the toilet and checked the bowl. It was clean as a whistle. Mildred breathed a sigh of relief, because usually she had to scrub the bowl twice to remove all the stains.
She removed her goggles, gloves, and T-shirt. Then she hopped into the shower.

Provider Overbills Customer


Simon got a monthly bill that he didn’t like. His Internet service provider, Wink, automatically withdrew $15 from his checking account each month. This was called direct payment. It made things simpler for him because it meant one less check to write each month.
In fact, Simon had direct payments with his gas company, his phone company, and his electric company. So that was four fewer checks that he had to write each month.
This month, instead of $15, Wink had withdrawn $75. Simon went online and looked at his account. Part of the increase was because he had switched from a slow dial-up connection to a fast DSL connection. Wink charged him $45 just to make that switch.
Simon thought that this charge in itself was ridiculous. It probably took them about five seconds to make the switch. But any time a corporation can gouge you, they will.
In addition to the $45, Wink had charged him $15 for his dial-up account, but had also charged him $15 for his DSL account. This was a double-charge, since a computer uses dial-up or DSL, but not both.
We’ll see about this, Simon thought, as he searched for Wink’s 800 number.

A Daytime Robbery

Rod was a manager at House Depot. He worked about 50 hours a week. He loved his job, although the extra hours cut into the time he could spend with his three little girls. One morning he was supposed to go home at 7 a.m. Instead, he stayed on to help out for three more hours. He was just about to leave at 10 a.m. when he heard something.

At one of the checkout counters, he saw a man dressed in white painter’s coveralls pointing a gun at the female checker. He had on a yellow cap, a white plastic painter’s mask, and white gloves.

Rod hurried over. Times in Los Angeles had changed. All managers now received training on how to respond to armed robberies and hostage-taking. Rod was nervous, but he knew what he was supposed to do. He approached the gunman.

“Sir, please don’t point that gun. We will give you all the money you—”

The gunman didn’t even wait for Rod to finish his sentence. He shot Rod in the stomach. The checker screamed. The gunman ran out to a white van and hopped in. The van sped off.

Rod didn't even make it to surgery. The killing made all the TV news shows. House Depot offered a $100,000 reward.

Friday, March 28, 2008

A Howling Halloween

It was a dark, rainy night at eight o’clock on the thirty-first of October. Andy and his friend Paul were walking home together as usual. But this night was different. It was Halloween. As they were walking along a large, black cat jumped out in front of them and ran off into the night. They looked up into the sky and saw a light shining. It glowed red, then blue then green and gold. “What was it?” they wondered.
The air felt still and cold. It had stopped raining and everything was creepy. It felt like something was going to happen. Andy and Paul went past a very old house. It was a huge old house which was deserted. The house lay in a big, shadowy garden, surrounded by trees. As they were going past the house they heard a strange noise. It was a long, low howling noise.
"Maybe it's a dog," said Paul, trying not to be scared."It must be in trouble. Let's go and see," said Andy.
They passed through the old rusty gates and crept along the path towards the door of the house. It was so dark that they could hardly see. The wind whistled through the trees. Again they heard the low howling sound, coming from the house.Oooooh! Oooooh!
"I don't think it's a dog," said Andy."You're just a scaredy cat!" said Paul."Come on, let's go inside."
They went up the stairs and pushed open the front door. It creaked loudly and fell open with a bang. The air felt cool and clammy and creepy.
Paul walked into the hallway. An enormous spider's web hit him in the face and he screamed."Aaagh!""It's only a spider's web," said Andy.
They went into a large room on the ground floor. On the wall over the fireplace hung a huge mirror. They looked into the mirror and saw lights dancing inside it. Then suddenly a huge ghostly head came out of the mirror and tried to grab them!
'Aaagh!' they both screamed and turned and ran to the front door - but it was shut! What was happening to them? Then they heard the howling noise again. It was coming from upstairs.

They had no choice. They tiptoed silently up the stairs. They listened again. The noise was coming from a room at the end of the corridor. They moved slowly towards the door. They felt really afraid. What would they see? What horrible thing would they find behind the door?
They went into the room. They couldn't believe their eyes. They saw the most amazing collection of witches and monsters and ghosts - and they were all having a party!
The witches were disco dancing, the wizards were drinking their special brew and jumping around, the monsters were eating exploding lollipops and other exciting sweets. There were bats wing cocktails, worm-flavoured crisps and pumpkin surprise pizzas. In fact there was everything for a Halloween party. They found out that the howling noise was a ghost called Grimly, who was providing the singing entertainment for the evening.
Paul and Andy drank several bats wing cocktails and then Paul danced with the ugliest witch at the party - she had a green head and no teeth. Andy danced with a spectacular purple headed monster who taught him a new dance called the 'Monster Boogie'.
Everyone had a wonderful time and danced until dawn. When the sun came up they all went off to their ghostly homes agreeing that it was the best Halloween party ever. "See you next year," they shouted to Paul and Andy, "and Happy Halloween!"

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Learn English Online

Learning English Online becomes very popular at the time all over the world. People can learn English right at their home with the comfort of the online lessons delivery from lots of English Learning website. English Learners even contact with their mentors/tutors face to face with supporting of the internet technology and webcam or kind of online conference software.
There are many different types of Online English Lessons that fits almost all levels of English. These days, learners can practice speaking skill online with live people who are from the English speaking countries. They also learn how to write English well with fully intruction completely through the internet. And with the advance of the internet with flash video..., English learners can watch and learn at the same time. They improve Listening skill dramaticly with thousands of site that that offer free listening practice.
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The Lovely Banana


What a wonderful fruit the banana is, popular all over the world. Its three colors tell you how ripe it is. Green means go, as in go find another banana. Yellow means eat me. Brown means eat me but don’t bother chewing before you swallow. The only thing that would make a banana more user-friendly is if you could eat the peel. Plus, a banana is neat to eat. When you bite into it, you don’t have to worry about juice squirting all over yourself and your dinner neighbors (like oranges or grapefruit, for example). And it’s a silent food—you can chew it all you like without driving your neighbors crazy with crunching sounds (like apples or carrots, for example). Finally, it’s easy to cut—you don’t need a steak knife. You can slice it with a fork or a spoon, if you like.
You’re never too young or too old to eat bananas. Babies eat mashed bananas before their teeth grow in. Great-great-grandparents eat mashed bananas after their teeth fall out.
The banana is versatile. You can fry it, bake it, mash it, or eat it raw. You can slice it and put it on your breakfast cereal. At lunchtime you can snack on a raw banana, or make a peanut butter and banana sandwich, or eat a bag of dried bananas. You can add a banana to your ice cream for dessert and call it a banana split. You can order a healthful banana smoothie at your local smoothie store. On weekends you can order a banana daiquiri at your local bar or restaurant.
Here in the US, we get most of our bananas from Ecuador and Costa Rica, although the fruit reportedly originated in Asia. Bananas give us lots of potassium and vitamins A and C, and hardly any sodium. The price of bananas hasn’t changed much over recent years—they’re still about 65 cents a pound, despite rising gas and labor prices. If that’s too expensive, you can still get three pounds for a buck at many dollar stores.

The Driving Lesson


He had just bought a new car—a Lincoln. It was a big, long, four-door sedan. Some days, he would go out to his beautiful car and just sit in it. But he was going to the hospital next week for a colonoscopy; he needed to give his wife some practice in driving the Lincoln. She had to pick him up after the medical procedure. Because he was receiving anesthesia before the colonoscopy, the law required that he not drive himself home. She drove a Honda Accord, a medium-sized car. But the Honda was in the shop. Someone had crashed into it while she was Christmas shopping at Macy’s.
They got into the Lincoln. She moved the seat all the way forward. They put on their seatbelts. She raised the seat a little so she could see better over the dashboard. He told her that it was just like driving the Honda, except that the Lincoln had a longer hood and a bigger trunk. She started the engine. She moved the gearshift from park to reverse. “Now be careful,” he said, a little nervously. She looked in the rearview mirror, and started backing up.
“Brake, brake!” he yelled, because she was about to hit the three-foot-high hedge that bordered the parking lot. But his yell startled her. Instead of hitting the brake, she slammed on the gas. The brand new Lincoln went through the thick hedge, through a six-foot-high wooden fence, and right into the shallow end of the swimming pool.

Smells like Chicken


Kentucky Fried Chicken announced that it is going to advertise its new $3 lunches through customers’ nostrils. The company plans to send a fried chicken scent throughout office buildings at lunchtime. The aroma will be dispensed from the mail-cart that distributes interoffice mail throughout a building. KFC’s president thinks it’s an idea whose time has come.
“That’s a terrible idea,” exclaimed Rose, a secretary for the Department of Defense in Alexandria, Virginia. “First of all, I’m a vegetarian; the scent of cooked meat appalls me. Secondly, I belong to PETA—People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. And we all know how terribly chickens are treated before they are butchered. The whole idea is disgusting. And what makes it even worse is that they plan to foul the air every workday with fried chicken odor. Once a month would be bad enough, but once a day?”
A KFC spokesman said that KFC’s chickens are caged and butchered humanely, and that the scent would be subtle, “like a woman’s perfume in a very big elevator.” He said the scent would be just strong enough to notice. He also noted that KFC does not discriminate against meat-eaters; it has a vegetarian menu that includes tofu shaped like chicken breasts and wings.
“Do they make the tofu crunchy and greasy, too?” asked Rose. “I’m going to demand equal time—if we office workers have to smell fried chicken every day, then they should also have to listen to the sound of chickens’ heads getting chopped off every day.”

Dog Inherits Millions


The late Leona Bridges, a New York woman who married into millions, left her mansion and her $12 million fortune to her pet, a little white Chihuahua named Duchess. Although Leona is survived by one son, Wilbur, and three grandchildren, they received nothing in her will.
Wilbur was not surprised. He had already hired a lawyer to fight the will. The lawyer said there would be no problem proving that Leona wasn’t “all there” when she signed her will. No one, said the lawyer, in their right mind could be so cruel to their own flesh and blood while being so generous to a dog that had been rescued from an animal shelter. “The dog doesn’t even have papers,” said the lawyer, as if the dog’s having papers would make the will a reasonable one.
Leona had not spoken to Wilbur in five years. They used to get along very well. Then Wilbur made an unfortunate joke. He was visiting Leona one afternoon. She had just spent $400 at a dog beauty parlor. The employees had washed, shampooed, and blow-dried Duchess, and then tied a big pink ribbon around her neck. Leona mentioned to Wilbur how beautiful Duchess looked. Wilbur said, “Yes, if your idea of beauty is a large rodent with a pink ribbon around its skinnyneck.” Leona gave him a dirty look.
Wilbur apologized, saying he was just joking, but Leona told him to leave immediately. How dare her son belittle her “baby.” She didn’t respond to any of his emails or phone messages. Leona told her staff to never use the words “Wilbur” or “rodent” in her presence. Days later, she fired her butler when he said he was going “to polish the silver”—she thought he said he was going “to watch for Wilbur.” The butler had worked for Leona for 25 years.

The Fire Alarm


Jennifer's ears were "talking" to her. They were making little sounds, like little bubbles bursting. A "bubble" was bursting almost every second. It was not painful, but annoying. She knew the cause.
While she was cleaning the whiteboard after her class ended last night, the fire alarm went off. Instead of leaving the building immediately, she walked around to see what the problem was. The blaring alarm sounded like the busy signal on a phone, but 1,000 times louder. The school seemed to be empty. Then she walked by one room, and saw about seven students inside.
Just then the night supervisor came by. She told everyone to leave immediately. The students were packing their hair-care equipment into their bags. The night supervisor waited impatiently. Finally, after almost five minutes, all the students and their teacher left the building. They apologized for being so slow.
The firemen never arrived. Instead, a school police officer showed up. He walked around the area with the supervisor. It was a false alarm. The officer used his key to finally turn off the alarm.
But it was too late for Jennifer. She had listened to the loud alarm for too long. She should have known better. Even as she drove home, her ears felt strange.

The New Realtor


Norma was discouraged. She was a new realtor. She had recently passed the state test on her first try. Then she joined a realty company. They offered training classes two to four times a week. Norma attended the classes faithfully.
But because English was her second language, she didn’t catch everything that the instructor said. When she asked the instructor to repeat something, he told her to see him after class. But when other students asked a question, the instructor answered the question right then and there.
To Norma, the instructor always said, "See me after class." Then, when she tried to see him after class, he would say that he was late for an appointment. "How about next time?" he would say. He was always too busy to help her.
"He’s not too busy, he’s just too lazy," her boyfriend said. “There are too many ‘instructors' like that. All they care about is presenting their information. If the students don’t get it, that’s their problem. You have to be strong. These people are not going to help you. They want you to fail, because that means less competition for them. It’s a dog-eat-dog business."

A Noisy Neighbor


Barbara couldn’t take it any more. Her upstairs neighbor was blasting his stereo again. She had asked him twice already to turn the volume down. The first time she asked, he was surprised. He said he didn’t know that she could hear his stereo.
"Yes," she said, "it’s just like your stereo was in my living room. I can hear every note!"
He said he would keep it down. She hoped that he was telling the truth. Of course, he wasn’t. The very next day, he blasted his stereo. She marched upstairs to remind him of his promise. He said the volume was so low that he could barely hear it. She asked him to turn it lower. He said he would try. Barbara could swear that when she reentered her apartment, the music was louder than when she had walked upstairs.
So, this was the third time. She took her baseball bat upstairs with her. She knocked very loudly on his door. When he opened the door, she screamed at him like a crazy person. She told him she would kill him if he didn’t turn the music down and keep it down. His eyes got big.
She went back downstairs. She couldn’t hear a note.
I can’t believe I said that, she told herself.

Laundry Day


Saturday morning meant one thing for Susan—doing the laundry. She hated doing the laundry. Unenthusiastically, she took the pillow cases off all the pillows. Then she removed the fitted sheet from the mattress. She took the towel off the towel bar in the bathroom.
She grabbed a couple of dirty dish towels out of the kitchen, and looked all around her apartment for anything else that needed washing.
In the corner of her living room, a can of coins sat on top of the file cabinet. She fished out seven quarters. She opened the cabinet under her kitchen sink and grabbed a plastic bottle of liquid detergent.
Finally, she set her electronic timer for 35 minutes. The timer would remind her that the washing was done, and that it was time to go back downstairs and put the clothes into the dryer for 40 minutes. Without the timer, Susan would completely forget to check her clothes.
Susan carried the laundry basket downstairs. How happy she would be when her laundry was done for this week. As she approached the laundry room, she heard a familiar sound. The sound was the washer washing and the dryer drying. One of her neighbors had got there before her. Muttering, Susan took her basket back upstairs.

Sara's Upset Stomach


Sara needed to see the doctor. She had an upset stomach. She felt bloated, and needed to pass gas every minute or so. This was terrible. She couldn’t go anywhere in public.
Her friends told her it was because she had moved to America. The air, water, and food in America weren’t agreeing with her. They said she would have to return to her home country.
"No way," Sara said. She didn’t want to go home. She liked America. This was a minor problem, she was sure. Any good doctor would solve it in no time. Two days later, she saw her doctor. He asked her if she drank milk. She said yes, three glasses a day.
“Don’t drink any more regular milk. Start drinking lactose-free milk, because lactose can upset your stomach."
Then he asked her if there were any big problems in her life. She said that her boyfriend was a big problem. He wanted to get married, but she didn’t. The doctor said that she should find another boyfriend.
"Why?" Sara asked.
"Because your boyfriend is giving you too much stress. He is probably the main cause of your upset stomach."
"I don’t think my boyfriend is going to like that."
"Just tell him if he really loves you, he should leave you."

Provider Overbills Customer


Simon got a monthly bill that he didn’t like. His Internet service provider, Wink, automatically withdrew $15 from his checking account each month. This was called direct payment. It made things simpler for him because it meant one less check to write each month.
In fact, Simon had direct payments with his gas company, his phone company, and his electric company. So that was four fewer checks that he had to write each month.
This month, instead of $15, Wink had withdrawn $75. Simon went online and looked at his account. Part of the increase was because he had switched from a slow dial-up connection to a fast DSL connection. Wink charged him $45 just to make that switch.
Simon thought that this charge in itself was ridiculous. It probably took them about five seconds to make the switch. But any time a corporation can gouge you, they will.
In addition to the $45, Wink had charged him $15 for his dial-up account, but had also charged him $15 for his DSL account. This was a double-charge, since a computer uses dial-up or DSL, but not both.
We’ll see about this, Simon thought, as he searched for Wink’s 800 number.

Pete's Sharp Knife


Pete was in his kitchen. He was about to slice three green apples. He liked to eat fresh apples with cinnamon sprinkled on them. He opened the blinds so that he could get more sunlight into the kitchen. Now he could see what he was doing.
He grabbed a knife out of a drawer. It said "Surgical Stainless USA" on the side of the blade. The blade was very thin and light. It had teeth, like a saw. The handle was a brown piece of cheap hollow plastic.
He had bought this knife about 20 years ago at a county fair. It was one of those knives that were advertised on TV. It could cut through a tomato can, and then cut easily and cleanly through a fresh tomato.
"You never need to sharpen it. The sharp edge is guaranteed for life." That’s how they advertised it. And Pete, for once, couldn’t argue that the advertisers lied. This was a great knife.
But it was also a dangerous knife. A couple of years ago, Pete was careless. He was rapidly slicing a potato and the blade got his finger. The doctor put three stitches in Pete’s finger.
"Next time, be more careful," the doctor said.
No kidding, Pete thought. He was so careful that he didn’t use the knife for almost a year.

A Shower Injury


Ben leaned over the edge of the tub. He turned on the hot and cold water faucets. The water came out of the spout near the top of the tub. He pushed down on the lever beneath the spout so that the water would drain. He was going to take a shower, not a bath.
He tested the temperature. It wasn’t hot enough. He adjusted the hot water faucet. There was another handle between the hot and cold faucets. This one controlled whether water came out of the spout or out of the shower head. Ben turned it all the way to the right. Now hot water was coming out of the shower head. The temperature was just right.
Ben took off his robe and stepped over the top of the tub. He pulled the shower door closed. He grabbed the bar of soap out of the soap dish and started scrubbing his face.
While his eyes were closed to keep out the soap, he put the soap back into the dish. Then he reached for the big plastic container of shampoo on his window ledge. The bottle slipped out of his hands and landed on his left foot.
"Shoot!" Ben said angrily. That hurt.

Does Garlic Mean Garlic?


Mike looked at the label on the big plastic container. It said Garlic Powder. There was a U with a circle around it after the word Powder. What does this U mean, Mike wondered. Under the word Powder was another word, Seasoning. Under that word was a drawing of a garlic bulb.
Mike knew that food labels can be tricky. Powder is powder, but Seasoning could mean salt. He looked all around the plastic container for an ingredients label. There wasn’t one. In small print under the drawing of the garlic bulb was a phone number: 1-800-632-6900. Call that number if you have comments or questions, the label said.
Mike called the number. A woman answered. He asked her what the U inside a circle meant. She said it meant kosher. Kosher food is food that is prepared according to Jewish law.
Mike asked where the ingredients label was. She said if there is only one ingredient, there is no ingredients label.
"So, there is no salt in this product?" Mike asked.
"No, sir," she said. “It’s 100 percent garlic powder."
"Why does it say, Product of USA and China?"
She said that sometimes they get the garlic from China, sometimes they get it from the US.

Carbon Monoxide


Helen stepped outside her front door to see what the weather was like. It was sunny and warm. That was nice, because for the past two weeks it had been cold and rainy. It had been so cold that she had had to turn her heater on. She was lucky, because her heater worked and she could pay her heating bills.
Some people in Los Angeles were not so lucky. Unable to use their home heater, they placed charcoal into a barbecue grill and lit it. The heat kept them warm, but the carbon monoxide killed them.
This happens almost every winter in Los Angeles. People shut all the windows tight to keep the cold out, then light the charcoal. Soon enough, the oxygen in their home is consumed by the open flames. The family suffocates to death.
Everyone knows that smoke detectors are required in Los Angeles. But many people don't know about, or don't think they need, carbon monoxide detectors. They're not expensive. A $25 investment can save a family from death.
People always think that nothing bad will happen to them; it always happens to "the other guy." So they forget to put fresh batteries into their smoke detectors annually, and they don't bother to buy carbon monoxide detectors.

Man Holds Staff Hostage


Morgan Cohen walked into the campaign office for Hillary Clinton. He claimed to have a bomb strapped onto him. He told the five workers to go about their business, but he ordered them not to try to leave. “If one of you tries to leave,” he said, “I will kill myself along with the others.” Then he walked over to a desk and asked for Hillary’s phone number. Hillary was in Iowa, talking to voters about her plan to provide national health care for everyone in America.
None of the workers had her cell phone number. Upset, he dialed 911. He told the dispatcher that if they didn’t give him Hillary’s phone number immediately, he would blow up her campaign office and everyone in it. The dispatcher asked him to please hold on while he tried to get the number. Police and the FBI drove over to the office and surrounded it.
The dispatcher gave Morgan the correct phone number. He dialed it, and Hillary answered her phone. Morgan explained to her that he was not getting the medical treatment that he needed. Every time he went to visit his doctor, his doctor was out to lunch. Even at 10 in the morning and 4 in the afternoon. “How can my doctor eat lunch all day long?” he asked Hillary. Hillary said she didn’t know, but that she would try to get a law passed forbidding doctors to have all-day lunches.
Morgan continued talking to Hillary until he noticed the police car lights outside the building. He hung up and walked to the front door of the building. A police captain asked Morgan to release all the hostages. Morgan said he would release them if the police brought him a cigarette and a Whopper from Burger King. A short while later, while Morgan was eating the Whopper, the police rushed in and tackled him. His “bomb” was nothing more than a few flares taped to his waist under his jacket.
Morgan, who lived in a nearby town, was known for his strange behavior. He had been under psychiatric care for much of his life. FBI officials were outraged that Morgan interrupted a busy presidential candidate. A spokesman vowed that Morgan would be thrown into jail for a long time for kidnapping, reckless endangerment, and terrorism. “Mental illness is no excuse,” he declared. “This is a nation of laws, not excuses.”

A Good Sandwich


Gordon was hungry. He opened the refrigerator. There must be something in here to eat, he thought. There was—a single hot dog.
He took it out of its package and put a small frying pan onto the stove’s gas burner. He turned on the heat. Then he poured a little bit of vegetable oil into the pan. He sliced the hot dog in half lengthwise. When the oil got hot, he put the two halves in the pan. About a minute later, he flipped each half over. After another minute, he took the hot dog out of the pan.
Gordon put two slices of bread into the toaster. This was tasty and healthy bread. The first ingredient listed was organic sprouted wheat. The first ingredient in ordinary bread is usually unbleached flour.
When the toast popped up, he put mustard, mayonnaise, and ketchup on one slice. Then he added two slices of onion. On top of the onions, he placed the hot dog. On top of the hot dog, he put a couple of slices of apple. Then he added some bits of hot green chile, and then put the top piece of toast onto the chile bits.
Ahh, what a sandwich, he thought, as he sat down to eat.

Horses to Ride!


Laura went to the stable. Four horses stood there. She put a saddle on Star. He was seven years old, big and dark brown. Her sister came out to the stable. They were both going to exercise the horses. It was a warm, sunny day. Janice saddled up Moonbeam, a white mare. They got on the horses and started walking them.
A few minutes later, Laura was telling Janice about the new doctor in her hospital. She raised her hand for a second to make a point. Just then, Star bucked. Laura went flying into the air. She landed on her head and shoulder on the grass.
"Oh, my gosh!" Jan cried. "Laura, are you all right?"
Laura moaned. Jan gently rolled her over. She didn’t see any blood. That’s good, she thought.
"Can you move? You’re not paralyzed anywhere, are you?"
Jan pulled Laura up into a sitting position. Laura slightly moved her legs and arms. She wasn’t paralyzed. When she moved her right hand to touch her head, she groaned.
"What’s the matter?"
"That hurt. When I moved my arm, it hurt."
They still didn’t see any blood. Jan unbuttoned the top buttons on Laura’s blouse and looked at Laura’s right collarbone.
"Oh, no," she said.

A Visit To Asia

Liz was excited. She was going to Asia with her mom. Neither of them had ever traveled out of the United States before. They were going to fly to Hong Kong. After staying in Hong Kong for three nights, they would travel on their cruise ship to Shanghai and Beijing.
"Beijing is inland, so we have to take about a two-hour bus ride to get there from the port. I forget the name of the port. Anyway, we're going to see the Great Wall, the Tiananmen Square, and the Forbidden City. It’s going to be so cool!" she told her neighbor Jane.
From China, the cruise ship would go to Pusan in South Korea, and finally to Tokyo. From Tokyo, they would catch a flight back to Los Angeles.
"The trip is going to last three weeks. It's only going to cost us $2,800 each, IF we can control our urge to shop," she laughed.
"I hope your trip is more fun than mine was," said Jane. "I took a cruise to the Bahamas, but almost all the passengers got sick. I caught some kind of virus that made me throw up for almost three days. They gave us a discount that we could use on a future trip. Ha! No more cruising for me."
"We've heard about those disasters," said Liz. "Mom and I are going to be washing our hands every 30 minutes, and we're bringing surgical masks with us."

ESL Stories

Below are hundreds of English Short stories help Improve your reading comprehension skills and enhance your vocabulary knowledge with ESL short stories. Most of our stories will improve your practical vocabulary knowledge that you can use in your daily communication.


School Boys


Jerome turned off the TV. He had just watched a couple of "South Park" cartoons. "South Park" is an amusing series about elementary school kids living in a small town in Colorado.
The first cartoon was about Herman, who wanted to become strong and muscular. He asked his mother to buy a supplement that was advertised on TV. The supplement was actually nothing but sugar, but the TV ad promised that it would make you strong and muscular.
Instead, it made Herman very fat. Worse, Herman refused to believe that he had become fat. Even though all his friends were calling him Super Fat Boy, he told them that he was Super Muscle Boy. Finally, when Herman walked onto the stage to receive an award in the school auditorium, the stage collapsed. Then he realized that maybe he WAS super fat.
The second cartoon was about a dog that followed Lenny home. Lenny loved the dog until he found out it was gay. Then he hated the dog. But Big Al took Lenny to the city’s Home for Gay Animals. While there, Lenny decided that it was okay to be gay. When he got home, he hugged his dog and took it for a walk. He didn’t even mind when it sniffed other male dogs.

Shopping for Bargains


Jim went to the thrift shop. He wasn’t looking for anything in particular. He liked to go there just to browse. A big sign on the front door said OPEN. The shop was closed on Sunday and Monday. The rest of the week, it opened at 10 a.m. and closed at 2 p.m.
Two women worked inside. They rang up sales and put the items into plastic bags for the customers to carry out. At the back of the shop was a big room where another lady worked. She sorted the new donations and put price tags on them. At the end of each day, she would bring the new donations out to the main part of the shop.
Everyone who worked at the thrift shop was a volunteer. The only "payment" they received was that they had the opportunity to see, and buy, any items in the shop before the customers did.
When Jim entered, the lady at the register told him hello. He smiled and said hello. She knew Jim because he was a regular customer.
Jim said, "What’s new?"
She laughed and said that nothing was ever new at a thrift shop. "It’s always old and it’s always used," she smiled.
Jim looked at the watches in the glass case. He saw one that he liked.
"Could I look at that one?" he asked.

A Haircut!


It was time for a haircut. Lenny didn’t even have to look in the mirror. Even though he was going bald, he knew that he needed to cut his hair every two weeks.
He had a "tongue" of hair on the top of his head. His hair was thinning at the crown. He still had plenty of hair on the sides and back. It was what they call "salt and pepper," a mixture of gray hair and dark brown hair. It was only a few years, he figured, until the salt and pepper became just salt.
He never let his hair grow for more than two weeks. The longer it got, the worse it looked, he thought.
He spread a newspaper over the bathroom sink so that no hair went down the drain. He plugged in the clippers and started cutting his hair. He started at the back of his head, went to the sides, and finished on the top. Every minute or so, he had to clean the hair out of the blades with an old toothbrush.
Finished, he picked up a hand mirror to check out the back of his head. Everything looked okay. He carried the newspaper back out to the kitchen and shook the hair clippings into the trash can.
Then he took a shower.

Grab Your Umbrellas!


It looked like rain. The sky was gray. It was almost noon, but the sun was hidden by a gray blanket. It was cool. There were no birds flying anywhere. A couple of birds sat on the telephone wire. Bob was standing outside talking to Bill. They both had their hands in their pockets. They knew that it was probably going to rain shortly. A sudden breeze blew some leaves off a tree onto the sidewalk.
A young woman wearing a dark blue coat and jeans walked by. She was walking a small dog. It was pure white, and pretty. It sniffed at a tree trunk. The woman waited patiently. Finally, the dog lifted its leg.
Bob said that he liked the rain. It was a nice change from the usual hot Los Angeles weather. And the plants could always use the extra water. Bill said the only thing he didn’t like about rain was that all the motor oil on the streets would get washed into the ocean, and so would all the trash.
"But that never stops the surfers," Bob said. "They don’t seem to care what’s in the water, as long as there are waves to surf on."

New to America


Nancy was new to America. She came to America speaking only her native language. She brought her 8-year-old son with her. He was all she had in the world.
They found an apartment in Arcadia. They were there for only two months when a neighbor’s dog jumped over the fence. The dog ran toward Nancy’s son. Nancy put her body in between the dog and her son. The dog stopped when it saw Nancy screaming at it. She was going to punch it in the nose. The dog turned around.
Shaking, Nancy took her son upstairs. They stayed in the apartment all weekend. Then Nancy found another apartment, close to the school that her son was going to attend.
She and her son walked everywhere. One day her son started coughing badly. He had an asthma attack. All the walking was making his asthma worse.
Nancy knew that she had to buy a car. So she called up the Honda dealer. She talked to a salesman who spoke her language. She told him that she wanted to buy a new car if he could come over to pick her up. The salesman said he would be right over.

Please Marry Me!


Jill answered the phone. It was Jack.
"Jill, will you marry me next week?"
"What?"
Jack repeated his question.
"Of course not," she replied. She wondered why he was asking her that question. They had already agreed that when people get married, they immediately start to take each other for granted. They don’t do the "little things" like opening the car door or holding hands. They get too comfortable. They treat their partner like an old shoe. And eventually, they get bored with each other and get divorced.
"We already agreed that we don’t want to get married because we don’t want to get divorced."
Jack agreed. But he argued that they were special. They were different from other couples. They loved each other too much to end up in a divorce.
"Yes, that may be true. But still, why next week? Why can’t we think about it for another year or two?"
"Because I had two dreams the last two nights. In both dreams, you left me for another man. In fact, you left me for two different men. I want to get married now so I don’t have these dreams anymore."
"Hmm. What did these men look like?"

Young Boy Defends Sister

A nine-year-old boy defended his sister from her angry ex-boyfriend yesterday. Woody Harrelson, 24, who had a house key, had hidden in the closet of the Shatner family’s home waiting for his ex-girlfriend Ethel, 23, to return. He attacked Ethel with a knife seconds after she arrived home. She was carrying their 11-month-old baby in her arms. Woody stabbed away, not caring if he injured his baby or not. Ethel, bleeding and screaming, ran into her bedroom and put the baby into the crib. Woody followed her into the bedroom.

Curt ran into the bedroom and jumped onto Woody’s back. From behind, he managed to jam his fingers into Woody’s eyes. Woody yelled and dropped the knife. As Woody stumbled around rubbing his eyes, Curt grabbed the knife and plunged it twice into Woody’s lower back. Woody ran out of the house. Curt held onto the knife in case Woody came back. Ethel called 911. The paramedics treated Ethel’s wounds and transported her to the hospital, where she is in stable condition. The baby, protected by its heavy clothing and a blanket, was unharmed. Woody has not been caught yet.

All hospitals in the area were alerted to watch for Woody, because Curt said that he “got him good.” In fact, said one doctor, Woody should get to a hospital as soon as possible. He might bleed to death if Curt actually punctured one of Woody’s kidneys. The paramedics and police commended little Curt for his bravery. He said that it was his responsibility to protect his sister, because “when Daddy’s not home, I’m the man of the family.”

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